Even men go through what you’re going through in love
The other day me and a close friend that I grew up with were hanging out. He is still single and looking for the “one”. We will call my friend, Niraj, to give him some confidentiality. 😉
So, we were chatting over lunch one day, and he opened up.
He said: “Lately, I have been contemplating the unknown. Meaning I have been thinking about what’s been stopping me in love, and why it’s been years since I had a relationship. I can see the pattern of when I’m not interested in a woman she is usually pursuing me, but when I’m interested in a woman I often get friend zoned. It feels like a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of.
“So, I see now that I have been resorting to seeing women as sexual objects as a way to cope with all of the disappointments. Because if I see them that way then I don’t have anything invested and don’t have to feel the rejection, so is easier to see them.
I listened for what he was saying in between the words. That’s the key when coaching, being able to hear the suppressed feelings and thoughts below the words that are often being spoken.
So, I told him that I admired him for having the awareness of all of that. First, for opening up and expressing himself to me, and then for admitting to himself that he feels he is in a pattern that isn’t serving him, and admitting that he has resorted to seeing women as sexual objects as a way to protect himself.
I said to him that admitting the ugly truths to ourselves is very hard. It’s so much easier to push them down or out, because we are ashamed that we are having those feelings or thoughts in the first place.
Then, I said “Okay why do you think you’re getting placed in the friend zone?”
He said, “I just feel I am not confident enough because I feel I need to lose more weight to feel really good in my body. Also, I am just not financially where I want to be, so sometimes I feel these things affect me when I am with women.”
I said, okay those are factors but that’s not what is really stopping you. In fact, we immediately go to what I call “surface” level problems, such as weight, finances, or confidence hindering us from having what we want in love as way to avoid having to go deeper into our true feelings.
We don’t know we are doing this consciously, and there’s nothing wrong with identifying the “surface” level problems, but to become aware that those are just signs that there is something lurking in your unconscious that you need to bring into your conscious mind to really understand what’s in the driver’s seat of your love life.
He then said, “Okay. I am just so tired of being rejected and disappointed.”
I said, “That is good. We are getting closer to the truth.”
Then I asked “What’s the feeling underneath the act of getting rejected or being friend zoned by a girl? Close your eyes and drop in and feel what that is if you need to. You might be too in your head”
He closed his eyes and took a moment.
He opened his eyes and said: “The thought is ‘I am not wanted’ and the feeling is sadness .”
We hit the truth!
I said, “Okay. What happens after you think you’re unwanted and feel sad?”
He said, “I distract myself, by trying harder with a girl to get myself out of the friend zone, which only seems to make it all worse. Or I will smoke weed, drink, or cover it up with food.
I said, “Right, and you are doing all of that because you are making that thought and feeling wrong. It’s totally okay and normal to think you’re unwanted and to feel sad. You’re human and we have lots of emotions and your reaction doesn’t mean you are damaged or that there is something wrong with you. What if you made it okay–even right–to feel all the sadness and loneliness?”
He said,”Ohhhh! Yeah I am making it bad and wrong, and that’s when I start to avoid and replace it with things that will numb me out. But when you said what if it was okay, I literally felt like I could breath again, and that I don’t have to stress or be afraid of the rejection anymore. It is normal everyone feels it and it’s okay as long I recognize it, allow myself to feel it, and make it okay and normal.”
He said, “okay that was deep!”
I said, “Did you expect anything less from me!?”
Then he said “I can also see how this feeling of being unwanted is causing me to be friend zoned. It literally sends me into an anxious state and the women can feel that.”
I said “Absolutely.”
I also said, “For you to go even deeper with this we need to look at where did the belief that you were unwanted come from mom or dad?”
Then from there you can release these beliefs and replace it with lots of love towards yourself.
He said, “We can do that another day. But this was so helpful and I feel more hopeful”
Let me know in the comments below, did you realize something about yourself through this story about what my guy friend went through?
Would love to hear from you.