This is what one of my closest friends texted me and it hit me right in my heart. As I said in the text, there were immediate tears.
Now, today’s post is a little different than most. Today I am talking about the most influential relationships of your life, and the relationship that has subconsciously shaped almost every move you make in love and in relationships.
I’m talking about the relationship with your Mom.
For my friend, Lina, her relationship with her Mom was difficult when she was younger. She often felt like her Mom favored her brother over her. Lina would try to please her Mom in so many ways and yet it seemed she could never do anything right. At the core all Lina wanted was for her Mom to approve of her and love her unconditionally, and it just seemed to Lina that was something she would never have.
In fact, they would go through periods where they wouldn’t talk for months. And as much as Lina was great at pretending it didn’t bother her to not speak with her Mom, there was a sadness I could feel from her during those times. An unacknowledged yearning from within. She would even say to me “I don’t care. I can’t change her,” and I knew she was lying to herself.
Lina and I have known each other since the first day of freshman year in college. It was love at first sight;) Right now, she is going through one of the most intense life altering moments one can experience, because her mom is dying of cancer.
Lina found out about a year ago. And when a friend is going through something like this, it’s hard to know what to say to her.
Knowing the strength of our friendship, I said to Lina exactly what I thought would help her evolve in love, and create that profound connection she had always been seeking with her Mom.
Truth is our relationships with our Mom have a profound effect on how we relate. The levels of intimacy we are capable of stem from that relationship, amongst so many other things.
So, I softly said to her,
“You’ve got to ask more questions and have conversations with your mom. You need to release yourself from any thoughts that have you believe that your mom misunderstood you and didn’t love you in the way you needed when you were a child.”
Lina asked why, which was totally valid.
99.9% of the people I work with react this way, because the thought of opening up and talking to their parents about those deepest wounds scares them. I get it I’ve been there hundreds of times as this point. And interestingly enough the mind immediately creates reasons for why having that conversation is unnecessary.
It’s thoughts like “I already know what she’s going to say. I have tried to talk to my mom before. What’s the point the past is the past.” These are all protection mechanisms to avoid having that conversation–and the potential hurt we fear it will bring.
So I said to Lina:
“Right now, you still have time to allow that little girl inside of you–the one we all have–to feel the love from her mother.
Probably for the first time in 30 something years. She needs that. And while you still have your Mom here, this is your opportunity to understand, straight from her, what she was actually feeling and thinking when you were young. Instead of sitting in the story you have created about what she meant back then.
This is also your opportunity to create memories of true vulnerable connection with your Mom. Ones that will last way past when she isn’t physically present. Levels of connection you may not understand right now because you have tried so hard to not let her in to hurt you like the way you translated her to do when you were younger.
Because the truth is those experiences with your Mom are still impacting you today.”
I shared an observation with Lina that even in our own friendship, I have experienced her shutting me out thinking she doesn’t want to burden me or be too much. Especially now, since all of this has happened with her Mom. Even after I’ve told her I am open to every tear and fear she has. No matter how many times she repeats herself.
All of this resonated with her. She looked at me and said “You’re right. I never saw it that way.”
The day before I received this text message from Lina, I told Lina to ask her mom why it was so hard for the two of them when they were younger. We talked through exactly how to ask and what to say, because there is a technique to having these conversations.
We need to transform information into something that shifts us on a heart level.
I showed her how to take in what her mother expressed, so that it would heal those wounds from when she was young. This is the process I teach in detail in my signature course Soul Level Love.
She asked her Mom that question and many more.
I then texted her asking how did the conversations go?
Lina texted me back 3 beautiful words…
“Heart is full.”
Then she texted me what you saw above.
For the first time in a long time, Lina’s heart was filled up and open in way that wasn’t possible before this conversation with her Mom. Lina learned how much her Mom admired her, loved her, and understood her. Her Mom expressed her viewpoint, beliefs, and thoughts at that time. And Lina was able to hear her in a way she hadn’t before, she understood her Mom and her Mom understood her.
Even through the text message, I could feel that her heart was really open.
Now it’s your turn.
Tell me in the comments below, what’s a conversation you would love to have with your Mom, and what could that conversation do for you?
Would love to hear all about it!