Feeling Sad

Why getting him to pursue you is not the answer

Yesterday, a single friend asked me..

“There’s this guy I’m interested in, and we’ve gone out a couple of times. He’s been traveling a lot and he hasn’t kept in touch. But I will say, when I do reach out he quickly writes me back, and we do make plans to see other again. The problem is that I feel like I’m doing all of the pursuing, and I just want to be pursued by him“.

And not too long after, a married friend asked me…

“If he really cared, then he would already know what I want or need, he’s known me for years now right?”

What I told my single friend is that I understand you want to be pursued but what you’re really saying is you want reassurance. Reassurance that he is interested in you and wants to keep connecting.

And what I told my married friend is, he can’t read your mind, and you probably want him to so that he can prove to you that he really loves you.

But, when we say things like, “I want to be pursued” or “he should know”, what we’re actually doing is choosing to take a passive role and place the man in the dominant role.

So even when we do reach out to a man we like, or talk to our partners about something that’s been weighing on us, this passive state gives us a way out of having to take responsibility for how we feel.

It is way more comfortable to place the guy in the position of power over us, then to realize our own power from within.


Because this idea that men are powerful and women are weak has been passed down from generation to generation, in an unconscious way. And it has only reinforced the belief that somehow we are not worthy to ask for what we desire.

Plus we have seen it through how our parents, or those who raised us interacted, and how we translated the way our parents reacted when we would express ourselves.

Lots of subconscious beliefs got embedded on who we think we are. One big one is questioning if we are worthy.

And you know as well as I do, that you ARE worthy. We know this logically, but so many of our actions and reactions at the root show very little of this worthiness.

So, what is one thing we can begin to do?

First, I’m here to remind you that you are love, you are a divine soul. A soul which is pure light, joy and total knowingness. Your essence is whole and complete.

And it’s the disconnection from this part of us that has us forget our worth.

But when we reconnect to that truth from within, that we are divine beings, that we are soul, the way we relate to ourselves and others completely shifts.

You’re no longer focused on who says what first, or how many times he does or does not do something, or whether he’s pursuing you, or if he really cares. (Again this is relating as if he has all the power over you.)

Instead, you now relate as equals. You begin to draw all of you energy back into you, and reconnect with what you want and what you desire.

When you relate to yourself as an all knowing powerful soul, and him as an all knowing powerful soul, you can follow your desire without it being about validating anything.

You will feel empowered to ask yourself what it is that you desire in each interaction and then follow it.

What following your desire looks like in love is:

Reaching out when you want to reach out.

Talking through something so you don’t hold on to anger and resentment, and come to a place of understanding with someone you love, including having the “tough” conversations when they are needed.

Knowing you’re on the same page, and when in doubt – asking.

Have more connection and lead with letting him into your heart first.

You see there are no rules and no “right” way to do something. No fear of scaring him off or not looking good. No fear of looking stupid or of being rejected.

Can you feel that? Even for just a moment, right now, feel that your essence is divine. Don’t just read these words and leave this post with just more ‘information’. Feel the truth of who you are.

Spiritually we are all on the same playing ground. We suffer because of our disconnection to our soul.

When you reconnect to your divinity, you rise into your own power, and stop making anyone else more powerful than you.

And from this place navigating relationships and love becomes simpler, and more honest.

I would love to hear from you! Leave your comments below and let me know if you can feel your divinity and what new clarity you now have.

In Love,


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  • Stary Tee

    Hello Kavita,
    I read your old post (How To Let Your Crush Know You Have Feelings) and many more after that and you voiced many of my feelings and situations aptly.
    I am a girl in my 30s, I don’t have a thing against men (and I have been in relationships) but I never found myself day dreaming of a guy until recently. I met this guy on the plane, sighted him from afar and thought “ohh he looks cute” and then found out he was sitting next to me for the next 10 hours.
    I struck up a conversation and we chatted, it was nice and he made an offer of showing me a place when next I’m in town, to which I did not respond. [Another quick background, I generally think offers made during small talk are not serious (just polite talk) so I did not want to get my hopes high.] Anyway, I thought I will forget about him and carry on with my life in a different city but NO. Now, any magazine I open or advert with a cute guy all I see his face and smile… I have a vivid and active imagination and I have successfully built a life about “who doesn’t even know I care”.
    So I went ahead to look for him online and found him after 3 days on a professional site, I sent a friendly invite reminding him of who I was and he responded after a day. Now what?
    To continue the conversation (and I am not so good at small talk) I replied and reminded him of our discussion that I did not respond to on the plane and asked if he meant it. And now the waiting game begins. Its been 5 days. I honestly can handle a NO, because I know I tried; but right now I am in limbo and I can’t seem to focus on anything. i am not in a hurry to see him again, i just want to continue the conversation and see where it leads.

    Back to your post, I would really love it for him to take it up from here…
    My friends say ” I was too forward” and I do not want to seem needy.
    But I do I get him on the same page with me?

    • Stary Tee

      **How do I get him on the same page with me?

    • Kavita J Patel

      Stary, reaching out to him doesn’t make you needy, it makes you someone that is showing interest and expressing yourself that’s great. Did you ask him if he wanted to meet up? Or you can say something like I really liked getting to know you would you be open to meeting up? It’s good to ask for what you want, and then let him take it from there.

  • Kristina

    Hi Kavita ! Thank you for this post.
    I feel the “unworthiness” of not being able to ask a man for what I want, what my desires are. My experience with my father are that I needed to care for him, do for him, because he did not cared, I needed to save myself in tough situations. While him doing his fun stuff, me as a little child jumping up for me and for him as well. I feel very unconfident asking a man for what I want in order not to be told to be “too demanding, too needy, too controllig, too pushy”, sarcastic remarks about my needs and finally being rejected from his love and help (saving me because my mother was abusive towards me, as well).

    • Kavita J Patel

      Hi Kristina, thanks for writing me. This is a great realization and can be shifted. Realizing that you father loved you regardless of how much you did or cared for him. That you don’t have to care for someone or give and give to have love. When we shift this perspective, you will feel free. Did you feel like your dad would say you are too needy or controlling or demanding? Would love to have you at Worthy From Within if it’s calling to you:

  • Tatia Dee

    Wow. I love this article. So often women give away their power. You hit it on the head Kavita. I’m an advocate of “leaning back,” but that message gets lost in mix sometimes by exactly what you touch on in this post. I agree the answer is to open up and speak your truth. Letting a man pursue you is not about giving up your power or putting him first. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.



    • Kavita J Patel

      Thanks Tatia, so happy this article resonated with you. It’s so true.