Jill said through tears, “If I were to forgive my Dad… then that would mean there’s something wrong with me, and if there’s something wrong with me then that means I’m to blame for why I’m still single.”
She broke down and revealed this truth to herself and to me. This came through after digging deeper into why it’s been so hard for Jill to receive her Father’s love.
Let me rewind a bit so you know how we got here.
Jill came to me knowing she was stuck in a pattern of attracting men who were married or weren’t available for a real relationship. She wanted to understand why this pattern existed and how to release it so she could have the kind of long term relationship she truly desired.
We uncovered that getting involved with men that weren’t available felt safe for Jill because she didn’t have to emotionally invest in someone and risk the possibility of getting hurt or rejected.
We also uncovered that when these same men would show up attentive and caring, it was easy for Jill to get sucked into that feeling of being “wanted”. Feeling “wanted” had Jill bypass the fact that the relationship really couldn’t go anywhere, and she would become invested.
To figure out why she was doing this, we had to look at where this pattern was coming from.
Everyone has a pattern in love regardless of their relationship status. The root to these patterns stems from how you saw and observed love when you were younger within your family.
Those translations have been branded into our subconscious at a young age, and we’re unconsciously projecting those experiences from the past onto our present interactions.
To pinpoint the origin of Jill’s pattern, we looked at her relationship with her Mom and Dad.
When she was younger, Jill often felt like her Dad was highly critical of her. She even felt like her Dad was harder on her than her siblings, and it hurt. She just kept feeling like she couldn’t do anything right.
On top of that her Dad was extremely busy, so he wasn’t around much.
And even now when she’s around her Dad or talks to him, she still feels that same lack of support or emotional connection with him.
So, what we discovered through understanding Jill’s relationship with her Dad, was that Jill had equated distance and lack of presence to love (not consciously). That’s why it felt safe to be with unavailable men. It’s what she’s known and is comfortable with, even though it wasn’t what she desired.
Jill also craved an emotional connection with her Dad, which explains why Jill would get pulled in so quickly when a man would give her attention even when she knew it wasn’t right. What Jill was actually desiring is that connection with her Dad to feel fulfilled.
So, in an effort to shift this pattern at the source, I asked Jill to have a conversation with her Dad.
I said, “Let him know how you felt when you were younger and how much it hurt to feel like you couldn’t do anything right. Then let him know what you desire, which is to feel closer to him and to let him into your life and to connect with him emotionally.
I know this might feel scary and hard, but it’s one of the fastest ways to free yourself of this pattern.”
Jill courageously had this conversation with her Dad and he acknowledged how he made her feel when she was younger. He asked her what she needed from him to support her and for her to feel better.
He literally said everything she desired, but somehow when her Dad asked this question, Jill was caught off guard and blanked even though she knew what she needed.
Jill recapped her entire conversation with her Dad with me, and I told her, “You did a great job in having the conversation, but I can feel you really didn’t allow yourself to receive his love in that conversation to help you heal.”
Jill said, “I can feel that too.”
That’s when I asked, “If you were to take in his love and forgive him, what might you make that mean about you?”
It took me asking a couple of times before she realized and said, “If I were to forgive my Dad… then that would mean there’s something wrong with me, and if there’s something wrong with me then that means I’m to blame for why I’m still single.”
I then said, “Good job in pinpointing the truth and going there. Can you begin to take in that being single isn’t your fault nor is your relationship with your Dad keeping you from love?
No one is to blame. In fact the tendency to blame either yourself or your Dad is to try to answer the question, Why am I still single?
What if right now in this moment we make being single okay, and own that there’s nothing to fix or change about yourself. In fact, allow yourself to take in, because it’s sometimes just a choice, that from the moment you were born you’ve always been worthy of profound love.”
Jill said, “In this moment I can take that in.”
Then I said, “So, if you go back to that conversation with your Dad, can you accept and receive the love he was expressing? Can you begin to forgive him for how he made you feel when you were younger?”
She said, “YES!”
In her taking in his love I could feel something shift inside of her. Her heart opened and she exhaled, experiencing a level of connection she hadn’t felt with her Dad in what felt like forever.
Now it’s your turn. Are you having a hard time forgiving someone? Ask yourself if you were to forgive him/her what might that mean about you? I would love to hear in the comments below.