I wanted to share a very real account from a client of mine, let’s call her Lucy, of her experience talking with her Mom about how she felt when she was younger.
It’s raw and truthful.
Today’s post is a bit long, but well worth it.
I talk a lot about releasing subconscious patterns that are keeping us stuck in love by having conversations with our parents, those that raised us, and overall family.
I felt Lucy’s words powerfully share how profound these conversations can be, especially because I get a lot of questions around this topic.
Before she approached her Mom, Lucy and I spent time during our sessions supporting her in understanding exactly why she was having this conversation, what to say, and what energetic space to say it from (this is key).
Lucy’s 50, smart, successful, independent, has kids, divorced and ran into her high school sweetheart several months back. He was “the one that got away”. They have loved spending time with one another; it’s been natural, fun, and connected.
Over the last month or so Lucy realized she wasn’t feeling like herself.
She was having a lot of anxiety when he wouldn’t reach out or when he would promise to text or call but then didn’t.
She noticed she was feeling jealous of certain women in his life, that were just friends, and would then think to herself “am I good enough for him?”
He sweetly reassured her that he really liked her and only wanted to be with her. This felt true to Lucy in her gut but somehow she couldn’t take it in fully. She just kept coming back to feeling anxious and insecure.
There was something deeper happening, usually there is, and so I walked her through a process to pinpoint where some of these feelings were coming from; it was her Mom.
And this was Lucy’s beautiful email to me after her conversation with her Mom:
“I told her I wanted to share something with her that I was discovering about myself.
I shared that when I was a little girl I didn’t feel good enough for her.
I felt that she often criticized and corrected me and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t measure up.
I also shared that she often seemed like she was unhappy and that I made that about me.
What I really needed to know was, “was I good enough?”, “was she proud of me?”
And as I was saying these things I could really feel that little hurt girl inside me. I even got choked up.
She immediately began by saying that she understood where I was coming from because she felt that all little girls want to make their mothers happy. She also said that she loved me so much!
She was very proud of me, I was one of a kind and she was so grateful to have me in her life as her daughter. I was her first born daughter and held a very special place in her heart.
She told me I am worthy.
Wow!! It felt so good to hear those things and as I write this down now to share with you, it still feels really good.
It touches me deeply in a way I think I’ve always longed for.
I’ve never heard those things from her. And I’ve never asked her to say those things.
It was interesting as we continued to talk I could feel my energy shift to the adult daughter space later on in the conversation as we both tried to rationalize things. It was really fascinating to experience the difference in energies.
This experience really has deepened my knowing about the energy shifts from the child self to the adult self.
I can also sense the child self deep in the center of the heart chakra area in my body. It almost felt like a hole in my heart.
The adult self energy moves upward toward my head and definitely has more rationalization and less feeling.
I also understand how when acting from that inner wounded child we end up behaving in childlike ways, i.e. tantrums, bullying, manipulating, etc. This is surreal really being able to discern the difference.
It felt good to be her daughter.
Let her give love, support and reassurance to me. It was nice to lean on her. I haven’t done that in a really long time.
I also took the opportunity to share my choices in shutting her out and deciding that she couldn’t meet my needs. It felt good to own that.
I’m a little shocked that she didn’t get angry, meltdown, shut down, find fault, etc.
Those were all the things I’ve always told myself would happen. I had convinced myself she was incapable of giving to me. That somehow she was very broken and I was the victim.
So I made a choice a very long time ago to regard my mom as somehow not able to meet my needs. I guess as you said earlier, this was how I chose to protect myself from bad feelings.
The irony in all this is I shut myself down from all feelings, even the good.
I guess what I’m learning is we can’t pick and choose which feelings we want to feel. We either feel them or we don’t feel anything.
Thank you for your support in this journey! My relationship with my mom is so much richer and I am excited to see how much deeper we can go. I also know this will help me in all my relationships.”
You can feel the transformation in her words.
Asking her Mom these questions wasn’t about getting validated. This was Lucy taking the lead in her life to heal a part of herself at the root, to receive the love she couldn’t seem to fully feel in her heart before.
It’s about EXPERIENCING what she translated as a child, as a way to survive, cope and make sense of things, wasn’t all true and wasn’t about her.
This was about freeing herself of the past, so she could step into the present ready to love and receive love from someone who matched her worthiness.
Lucy’s experience is why I do what I do. When someone heals a part of themselves through these types of conversations, a part of their karmic path has just shifted forever. Through a shift in perspective with one of the most influential relationships in our lives, we can change our destiny.
Tell me in the comments below, what did you realize through reading Lucy’s story?