I had an introductory call with Samantha (anonymous name) several weeks back before she became a client. She said her relationship with her parents was awful and that they were often emotionally abusive.
In that call, Samantha told me that her therapist friend suggested cutting off relations with her parents because it wasn’t good for her to keep engaging with them, and that she needs to set that boundary.
After hearing that from her friend, Samantha had so many emotions come up for her.
On one hand she got that her parents loved her and were just pushing their own beliefs onto her. On the other hand, being around them was really really hard and almost always left her feeling bad about herself.
She was confused but felt she didn’t want to lose her relationship with her parents.
I said to her, “You do not have to cut off your relationship with your parents. In fact, my opinion is cutting off your relationship with them can keep you from feeling free in your own life.”
Here’s why I say that.
First of all the connection to our parents can’t be cut off.
Energetically, they are our roots, our sense of belonging, our sense of love and safety. Even if they weren’t safe to be around, they still stood for this.
In fact many think that if their parents pass, they will then be free. Truth is, they are still interacting with their parents in their minds forever. Those voices in your head are mostly your parents.
If we stop talking to them or cut them out of our lives, we cement our opinion of who we think they are. We no longer have access to seeing or experiencing something different with them.
When we no longer have access to seeing them differently, it keeps us stuck in our limiting beliefs about ourselves.
Limiting beliefs such as, I’m not good enough, not worthy, too much, alone, different, neglected.
Even people who have never thought to cut their parents out of their lives are stuck labeling their parents. Like, my Mom’s insecure or my Dad’s arrogant. That’s why it’s so important to do The Parent Work™. It transforms our limiting beliefs, allowing us to go after what we desire, let in love, and embody who we really are.
But if we cut our parents out of our lives these perceptions are difficult to shift, keeping us exactly where we are.
When we cut our parents off, we keep ourselves in a cycle of pain that can’t be healed.
For example, if we translated or learned that they aren’t safe to be around, then we continue to believe that we are not ultimately safe within ourselves. That pain and hurt we felt so deeply with them becomes a part of our identity.
This causes us to feel anxious, fearful, to push people away and isolate ourselves so that we don’t have to feel that kind of pain again. Also attracting in people and experiences that keep reminding us how unsafe we are, like being in a relationship that isn’t healthy for us.
We then keep searching for protection from others versus knowing we are secure from within.
It’s important to clear this up for ourselves, through them.
When we cut them off it keeps us believing the stories we’ve told ourselves about them.
Such as, my Mom’s a narcissist or my Dad isn’t capable of expressing emotions. When in fact as human beings we are dynamic. We are many things for lots of reasons, and to boil our parents down to certain labels only impacts our ability to relate to them and ourselves.
It keeps them as people that are “broken” in some way, and if we came from people that are “broken” then on a subconscious level we also see ourselves that way too, as unworthy.
For example, if we believe our Mom’s a narcissist, even if she is, that distorts our relationship with ourselves because we come from her. There are parts of ourselves that are like her and when we reject her it solidifies those qualities in us.
If you felt your Mom made everything about herself, then you might have the tendency to judge yourself if you express what you desire, or you feel more comfortable supporting others, making it hard to receive or ask for support.
Most of us think that if we resist, even condemn, being like our parents, then we will keep ourselves from repeating how they show up. But instead what you resist persists.
And if we were to cut them off, we would never get a chance to move through our stories of them and experience something different, the parts of them that would help then shift our perspective and set us free to find who we are.
When we cut them off it keeps us from feeling free.
Whether you have a great relationship with your parents but they occasionally annoy you, or you have a strained relationship with them, or it feels toxic, as a child we’ve all subconsciously decided how much we’re loved or not loved and that still plays a role in our lives today.
Maybe you struggle with self doubt, feeling invisible, different, misunderstood, or that you’re not a priority. Everyone has some translation like this that was made within childhood, which has us disconnect or shut down in some way. These moments of disconnecting often come up when triggered.
We can heal those places within us that still feel unloved and unseen through our parents. No matter what kind of parents you have.
I’ve even heard some say to me, “I’ve forgiven my parents I just don’t need them in my life.”
I totally get that, and maybe you have forgiven them, but if your perception of them is the same then you are not free.
Are there any circumstances in which I would say it’s a good idea to cut off your relationship with your parents?
Karmically there’s a reason your soul chose them and their souls chose you. There is life to be worked out through them, and if we can get to that peaceful place inside of us, and still feel a connection to them, even without having a physical connection, then YES.
Here’s the thing… I would NEVER want anyone to put themselves in a situation where they are unsafe, hence I walk people through The Parent Work™ process that shows them how to interact with their parents from a completely different energy, one they’ve never experienced before. If you’re curious about working with me in this process, simply fill out this form, and my team will get back to you.
If we can start to look at the relationship with our parents as a pathway to realizing ourselves, to evolving, and discovering new parts of who we can be, this can be a new way to relate to the most influential relationship in our lives.