Why distancing yourself from mom can keep you really stuck.
Most smart, successful, conscious women that come to me will say, “I just needed to distance myself from my mom, because trying to engage with her, just kept hurting me over and over again.”
“Why would I do that to myself? I don’t allow others to treat me like that in any other part of my life!”
Distancing yourself can mean, shutting down while talking with your mom, purposely keeping it light, avoiding her, not calling as much, not seeing her as much, or even just appeasing her by saying what you think she wants to hear so you can avoid conflict.
These are all forms of distancing.
It’s basically anything that has you feeling like you have to protect yourself from her.
What I hear most is, “I’m tired of putting myself through that kind of hurt and being reminded of how I’m not good enough.”
I don’t want that for you either.
BUT, and this is a BIG but…
Those same women will get on the phone with me to talk about their relationship with their moms because deep down they want it to FEEL different.
Deep down they want to feel a connection with her.
Deep down they want to feel like their mom can be their mom.
Deep down they want to feel like they belong, while being accepted for who they are.
Deep down they want to feel safe to express themselves.
Deep down they want to enjoy their relationship with their mom.
Here’s the thing…
Distancing yourself is something you do because you don’t know another way.
I get that.
AND there’s another way.
Here’s the truth.
When we distance or “lean out” of our relationships with our moms, we not only deny a true desire for connection with her, but we also get stuck with patterns that aren’t serving us in our lives.
I was talking to this super aware woman about her relationship with her mom.
She explained that she has always played the caregiver role with her mom, and even though she is aware of it and has even distanced herself in some ways, it’s still hard for her to not feel like she needs to be there for her mom.
She literally feels like she has to choose between her mom, and her husband and kids.
It leaves her feeling anxious and torn, like nothing she does is enough.
That trigger of feeling like nothing she does is enough doesn’t just stop at how she relates to her mom, it also ripples into her relationship with her husband, kids, and work.
You see, our relationship with our mothers as women is the most influential relationship.
The ways we feel irritated, annoyed, or upset by her is a trigger within us.
That trigger will then show up in all kinds of relationships.
So what is so crucial for your own self-development, and for you to feel way more free and connected around your mom and in your life is to “lean into” your relationship with your mom not “lean out”.
Because it’s not true that your mom has to change for you to feel close.
When you are committed to working through what triggers you with your mom (the root cause), that also ripples into every part of your life.
Opening up for you more abundance, being the best role model for your kids, creating depth and joy in your partnership, stepping into bigger roles at work, finding true love… just to name a few.
But what’s even more exciting is that you get to have the kind of relationship with your mom that feels natural and comfortable, stress free, allowing you to share who you truly are with her.
And this is my life’s work, to heal our mom’s karmic imprint on us that keeps us from feeling free to be who we are, by healing our relationship with them.