Am I crazy for feeling this way around my mom?
I remember looking down at my phone seeing my mom’s name show up and immediately feeling anxious.
This would happen at least several times a week.
I would immediately think, what happened today?
Is she going to be unhappy?
Am I going to have to listen to how she’s negatively talking about my dad, or how she’s hurt by a friend, a sibling, or her mom?
Is she going to be depressed and need me to be there for her?
Do I need to be her emotional support, when I’m not feeling great either? I’m exhausted by having to be there for her; she’s never really emotionally present for me.
It feels like a lot to even just pick up the phone.
Then I would get on the phone, where I spent most of the time trying to get her to see how she can be happy, or how she could see it differently, only leading to her getting defensive, pushing back on everything I said, and sometimes lashing out at me.
I would leave the call feeling guilty because I said the wrong thing, or I got mad at her, yelled, or just shut down because it felt impossible to talk with her.
Feeling her unhappiness, I would feel unhappy myself.
And I would be consumed for hours, sometimes days after talking with her.
This feeling would then ripple into how I felt around my husband that day. I would often pick a fight not even knowing why.
I couldn’t work.
I just couldn’t be present with anyone.
I would have thoughts like, well what if I told her I never want to talk to her again? Would she change if I threatened her with that?
What if I shared how hard she’s made my life or how her unhappiness makes the entire family unhappy?
I just wanted to scream at her and say, “Just get it together! Don’t you see what you’re doing to the people that love you and are the closest to you? It hurts!”
Here’s the crazy part…
I would feel like this several times a week and I NEVER awakened to the fact that my relationship with my mom was making me so unhappy, and keeping me stuck in so many areas of my life.
It had become normal.
Until I acknowledged…
“I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
“I don’t want to feel this way around my mom.”
“This anxiety that I FEEL is not normal.”
“The upset, anger, frustration is not serving me.”
“I want to enjoy my relationship with my mom.”
“I want my relationship with my mom to feel supportive.”
That was the beginning of my transformation with my mom, and the ripple effect of that on my marriage, on choosing to have children and not passing down my insecurities to my son, in living and working in my purpose.
Because all of that was tied to how I ask for support, how I was able to receive love, how to ask for what I need and want, to stand in an empowered place…
And that is tied to translations I made when I was younger with my mom, and how I’ve related to her since.
But honestly, what was the MOST important to me, and alleviated my anxiety and guilt, was knowing that my mom was capable of emotionally being there for me, for having my back, wanting to be there for me when I’m too much or it’s tough, accepting me for exactly who I am.
All things I believed and had convinced myself she was absolutely incapable of.
My mom didn’t have to change. My shifting completely altered how I see and react to her, and how she responded to me, which essentially did change her.
I would love to support you in this exact same transformation which IS also POSSIBLE for you too.