The #1 mistake made when finding love
I packed the black Theory pants and the beautiful silk DVF top; I was ready to be proposed to. This was right before the holidays in December. Hemal was supposed to go with me to Cincinnati, OH where my parents live, and we were just two days away.
I was clearly convinced that this was going to be my moment. 4 years of dating. 4 years of going through a ton of ups and downs, and now we were going to be engaged.
I had opened myself up to him in ways I had never done before, in ways I never felt safe to.
The phone rings, it’s Hemal. I pick up the phone staring out my window in NYC at the beautiful view of downtown Manhattan.
I pick up and say, Hi, and launch into aren’t you so excited to leave in a couple of days.
His voice was low and heavy.
He then said, “Kavi, I won’t be coming to Cincinnati with you. In fact, I haven’t been happy in our relationship for months and I think we should take a break.”
My jaw hit the floor. I started to yell, “Are you serious?”
He plainly said, “Yes”
“I don’t understand?!! What do you mean?” I said.
“There’s nothing much more to say,” he said followed by silence.
That was it.
I was shocked, in disbelief.
I cried on the entire plane ride back to see my parents.
I was devastated. Millions of memories ran through my mind of our love and what he had done for me.
How could he have been unhappy? I loved him so much.
I shared my entire life with him. I let him into my heart, how could he do this?
He’s going to miss me! Or, will he?
Is there someone else, and he just couldn’t tell me?
These questions brought me to my knees crying on the floor. I just felt so much pain.
So much loss.
So much emptiness.
My friends told me to move on.
My dad said he left because of my stubbornness.
My mom cried with me.
All I could do was put one foot in front of the other, because it was hard to even get up in the morning for months.
I was deeply grieving the loss of someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
About 6 months later, after crying practically everyday, I picked myself up and finally felt ready to date again.
I didn’t know where to meet someone.
I dated a man for several weeks who was great on paper, he was a doctor, kind, treated me like a queen.
I opened up to him, was honest, came in with an open heart.
But I wasn’t inspired by him.
My friends were like why? He’s amazing. My family was like, he’s a doctor!
I just wasn’t lit up from within around him. It was good, but not great.
I was confused about what I wanted, questioned if I could even ask for everything that I wanted.
Is that being too picky?
Are my standards too high?
I second guessed every choice I made in love because I thought I knew who my soulmate was, but apparently I was wrong.
It was clear I didn’t want to settle, but should I make compromises?
When I was out I would attract quality men, but I didn’t know how much of myself I could be. Some were intimidated others put me on a pedestal, I didn’t want any of that.
And this is just the cliff notes version of what I experienced.
But I absolutely thought I had an open heart when I was with Hemal. I thought I had an open heart while dating.
And having that open heart felt like it was leading me down the wrong path. It was bringing me to heartache or rejection versus true love.
But here’s what I didn’t know, and couldn’t have known, because nobody in my life had figured this out.
I didn’t have an open heart.
Sure I was open to meeting someone.
Sure I was ready for love.
Sure I even was vulnerable.
But my heart hadn’t been open the entire time I was with Hemal.
Because a year and a half later, he came back into my life. I had never gotten over him.
And this time, if we were getting back together, it meant marriage.
That’s exactly what transpired.
After some time of getting back together, we got engaged, and then married.
And within the first two years of marriage I was miserable.
I felt more alone within my relationship then when I was alone.
One fine day, again Hemal says to me, “I don’t know if this is working,” in the exact same way he had done previously.
Now I knew he was the one. I had already been tested by life on that one.
So why was I feeling like this?
I wanted to blame him. He was the reason why I felt so alone.
Here’s what I meant when I said my heart hadn’t been open.
I was stuck repeating the exact same patterns that ultimately broke us apart the first time.
Now, this wasn’t all on me.
But I had no idea how to look at my 50% of the relationship and how I was contributing to our relationship failing.
I refused to allow my marriage to fall apart. I knew I had to do something different.
I knew my relationship wasn’t going to just magically heal, that I wasn’t going to just magically feel less alone.
I had to admit, no matter how smart and aware I was I couldn’t figure this out by myself.
That was a hard reality to face. I was used to doing it all.
I was the strong one. The independent one (more on this in a second).
I had to swallow a hard pill and overcome my pride.
But ultimately I CHOSE to do the hard work of looking in the mirror.
When I did it changed EVERYTHING.
I uncovered ways I had been protecting my heart for decades.
I uncovered and released the Karmic Patterns I had been stuck in for years, which had me unknowingly push love away.
And this conscious choice to break free of these patterns resulted in me saving my marriage single handedly.
It resulted in a level of intimacy with my soulmate.
It resulted in my ability to expand my capacity to receive love.
It brought me to a sense of peace, trust, and freedom.
It resulted in friendships flourishing.
It resulted in a closeness with my family that I had never experienced before.
It resulted in aligning and opening up to co-workers and bosses, which opened the doors to a promotion (I was working for a boutique consulting firm at the time in NYC).
Let me be clear, for this level of transformation…
You have to COMMIT to yourself. Your goals. Your desire to become the best version of yourself.
The truth is most people choose to stay in their old way of thinking, want to protect their pride, and sacrifice discovering what is truly possible for them in an extraordinary partnership.
And not everyone is cut out to look within. They would rather stay shallow and superficial. I don’t say that in a judgemental way. I say that to be real.
If that’s you, where the idea of transcending these internal Karmic Patterns scares you, that you want to completely avoid looking inwards, then you could let that fear win out.
But if the thought of being in the same place a year from now terrifies you then you have no choice.
You’re being called to step into a higher vibration, into your highest self.
The version of you that finds safety from within, and can drop all the layers of protection that are keeping you from soul level love.
You are being asked to look inwards because you know that if you don’t, you will experience disappointment once again.
It’s your time for love.
Forget about the question your mind goes into whether love is destined or in the cards for you.
You’re someone that forges her own path, and you’re ready to put in the time, effort, and investment it takes to have soul level love because you know that’s what you deserve.
So surrender to the calling for a love that is worthy of you. I’ve got you.
P.P.S. If you’re committed to transforming your love life, opening your heart to receive the kind of love that you are worthy of and are meant for, and if you’re willing to do the work to ensure you don’t settle, then we can give you the step by step game plan to make that happen.
We’ll get on the phone for about 30 minutes and dive deep into what’s keeping you from finding and keeping true love.
We’ll get you clear on:
- What’s working and not working in your love life right now
- What subconscious Karmic Patterns (love blocks) are keeping you stuck.
- The EXACT next step you should be taking to call in a love that cherishes you adores you.
Next: Shallow vs. depth…you choose which one you are