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Groom with wedding band

Why won’t the man commit?

This week was amazing! My good friend, Nitika Chopra from Your Bella Life, kicked off her fall workshop series. She asked me and Sarah Jenks, another close friend of mine (and an amazing weight loss expert), to talk about LOVE!

 

We spoke about how to feel good in your body, attract in a man that wants to commit to you, and the unconscious love patterns that can block you in love. It was so much fun, and the women were incredible. I especially had fun during the Q&A portion, where Sarah and I laser coached several women in the audience so they could have an instant Love Breakthrough.

I wanted to tell you about one of the incredible women, Lynn, that came up to me afterwards. She was sick and tired of attracting in men that didn’t want to commit to her. I gave her a love diagnosis that she wasn’t expecting.

She explained to me that she had been dating this guy for several years, and it was like she was leading in the relationship, and giving and giving, and she thought he would be the person she was going to marry. But then as time passed, he wasn’t talking about how they wanted to move forward, and she felt like she was pulling teeth when she would talk to him about their future. Finally, she realized this wasn’t going anywhere, and that he wasn’t ready for what she was ready for. So, she broke it off. This was so hard for her. She was heart broken, and this was early in the year.

I thought that was the end of the story because I could feel a lot of energy wrapped up in the relationship still. She went on to tell me that 6 weeks ago she started dating this guy, and it was fun, and he was super funny, and they shared things in common that she didn’t even have with her ex.

But literally several days ago, they had a conversation and he said to her, “I really really like you but I’m starting to feel bad because I just don’t think I can give you what you want in this relationship, but I also know I don’t want to not see you.”

She was triggered, wondering: how am I here again. She then asked, “Well, do you still want to date to see where it goes, or you already know?” He had no answer other than “I don’t want to lose you.” So, she answered the question for him. She didn’t want to get into another situation where she was giving and giving and getting nothing in return.

So her question was: “Kavita, how do I start attracting in men that are willing to commit?”

My first question, as always, was: “what is your perception of your parents relationship?” She said, “My dad totally gave and gave to my mom. She wasn’t emotionally with it when I was growing up and my dad helped her and cared for her. Now they are happily married, but when I was growing up, it was like my mom was a mess and my dad was keeping the family together.”

I asked her if she admired her dad for this. She said YES! I understood why she admired him. Then I revealed to her that she was her dad in every relationship she was attracting in — she was giving and giving. And because she put her dad up on a pedestal (in her subconscious), she had the bar of what giving looked like in relationships as something she could never do enough of.

What also happens when you have a parent on a pedestal like this is that you don’t give yourself credit for being this same way. So, what was happening for Lynn was that she was trying really hard to give to the man she was dating, and never feeling like it was enough. She was not giving herself credit and continually wanting that credit to come from the man. And she just kept getting her heart broken through this pattern.

So, I told her: “We need to bring your dad off the subconscious pedestal. That will allow you to break this pattern of giving so much that you are taking up all that space, and attracting in men that want that, versus men that want to take care of you. This will allow you to start taking credit for what you are giving, and also to stop the cycle of expecting that to be reflected back by the man. You of course deserve it, but I just don’t want you to rely on that feedback.”

Lynn got it, and said, “Okay what do I have to do, Kavita?”

I told her to ask her dad these questions: “What did he experience in his parents’ relationship that made him such a good caretaker?” and “How was being such a good caretaker to Mom not the best thing in the world?”

The first question will give her insight into why her dad is like this, so she can create more space with it within herself.

The second question was for her to see the other side of the coin of being such a good caretaker — so she could take her dad off that pedestal.

She said she would do the Lovework. She was a little skeptical, thinking: how could this shift things? I said trust me, and watch.

Your Lovework today is:

Ask yourself: What do you admire in your dad? List out at least 3 things, and then ask yourself: are you giving yourself the credit you deserve around being these same things? Lastly, give yourself credit by complimenting yourself on how you do those three things really well!

You can do this now, and then let me know down below: how those 3 things you admire about your dad are affecting your love life.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Whitney

    I respect and understand the advice given in this article, but what if you had a dead beat dad, who was rarely around, rarely gave and you can’t think of any good qualities about him and you still have a similar issue like the woman you spoke to.

    • Kavita

      Hi Whitney, you come from him, as much as you probably dislike that. So, it is important to find out what is good about him, because you wouldn’t be the amazing person that you are today with qualities that come from your mom and dad. I am not saying you have to forgive him for everything, but I am saying it would be helpful for you to see him from a slightly different perspective.

  • sam

    1. he has never said a bad word about my mother
    2. he is hard working
    3. he is a good provider/businessman

    I don’t know if I am the same – I do whinge about people although when I’ve had a partner try not to put them down – well never put them down to others. I can be hard working but it is only since I’ve turned 30 I got more serious about money – I’ve always been a bit entrepreneurial though.

    I am not sure how these things are effecting my love life – I am in love with someone who is far away – he is hardworking but yet to succeed financially, and he is very respectful too – but…