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Kavita smiling hearts

What the heck are you doing, who cares?

Have you ever dated a guy that you KNEW wasn’t your future husband, but he was nice, fun, and dare I say – better than nothing?

The whole time you’re together you can tell he’s pretty into you, and it feels good to know there’s a man out there who wants to be with you.

And then all of a sudden he pulls away.

He stops texting or calling you as much and he hasn’t asked you out again.

You’d think it wouldn’t bother you but actually, you’re devastated.

You’re going crazy wondering why he’s not into you anymore, thinking “What did I do wrong to make him leave?”

Even when you knew in your heart he wasn’t right for you.

This week I have received several questions about this topic, and it got me kind of riled up inside.

While dating I was pretty clear if a guy was into me, whether I could see myself with him or not, and if it was a clear no, then I would make choices to let him know trying wasn’t worth my time.

So I have to say, that when I got these questions I was honestly a little frustrated because I know my women want a long term committed relationship (if they were out to just see how things go then I would be giving different advice).

They want to get married have a family and yet they are trying to convince themselves to like someone and keep a dating relationship going when they already know they don’t want to be with him.

Are you getting my frustration, here?

But I totally get that it’s not always that simple to just let someone go without feeling anything.

So I took a little time to contemplate why we do this to ourselves and what makes us put ourselves in this position.

Because I know you are smart, it has nothing to do with that. There is something that tugs at our heart that sometimes we can’t explain.

Take my friend Brianna. She went on 3 or four dates with this guy Jeff. They talked almost every day and she could tell he was really into her – he even told her he thought they had great chemistry.  

She said,”He’s a lot of fun and we get along okay – but I Have a feeling he’s just not THE guy, you know?”

Now she hadn’t mentioned this to Jeff yet, but a couple of days later, he stopped texting her.

She called me and asked, “I can feel myself getting really upset over this! Even though I could tell he wasn’t the one, I feel totally crushed! I just don’t understand what happened if he said he really liked being with me. Plus, why the heck do I care?!”

Here’s what was going on for Brianna, and what may be going on for you:

Of course when someone has become a part of your life in some way, even if they’re not THE person for you, it’s going to feel sad when the communication stops. And yes, you may even miss them a little bit.

But WHY do we spend more than a day mourning a few dates with a guy we knew we weren’t going to marry?

Honestly – there is some part of you that was placing your worth in the the approval of this man.

His attention and his interest played into that part of you that has been a little lonely and that wanted to know you still have it or feel like you’re special.

Which is totally OKAY!

When we get upset in these situations, it’s because we’ve made it mean that if we can’t even keep the guys we’re not that into, how are we ever going to keep THE guy?

But lady, I have some good news, it’s not WHO YOU ARE that made him stop calling.

It was underlying vibe that you weren’t into him completely.

Trust me, even if you do your very best to hide it, your lack of long-term interest is going to come through.

Whether it’s in your actions or the way you say something, it’s impossible for your intention of this man to just be “fun” for you to not come through to him in some way.

It could be the way you say, “Sure, that’d be fun” to a date, except your body language or tone of voice doesn’t really relay excitement.

It could be good sex but your mind is really ALWAYS somewhere else.

You can tell another person all you want that you really enjoy their company but if they can’t FEEL certainty in that from you, they’re going to start to pick up on it.

He may have not known initially how to translate it, and he may have even tried to ignore it, but if he was really into you, (even talked about long term plans with you) and he disappears then I want you to consider:

On some level, he knew that you weren’t that into him and pulled away, even if you weren’t completely clear on this in the first place. The fact that he disappeared is an invitation for you to create space for the right man.

So if you find yourself feeling totally devastated in this kind of situation, grab your journal and answer these three questions. My explanations for why are in brackets:

1) When did I first notice that this man wasn’t the one for me? How did my body let me know? [This could be a nagging feeling in your gut, your body screaming at you to let it go, a whisper in your meditation. It is important to recognize when you felt this and how so that you learn to trust it more and more]

2) What did this man do that I appreciated? Did he compliment your sense of humor? Tell you you’re beautiful? Like treating you to dinner? This is to remind you that good men are out there and they appreciate YOU!]

3) How will the relationship with the right man make you feel? [Write it all out. Remind yourself of the feelings you want to get when you just KNOW you’re with the right person.]

These three questions will get you clear on what you want and back into trusting yourself and your judgement in men. And trusting yourself in LOVE is crucial.

And when you know in your heart and your gut you’re not dating the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, let him go so that you can make space for the right one. Now this is for those of you that are really clear that you are ready for a long-term relationship.

Your Lovework this week is to tell me in the comments below if you’ve ever gone out with a guy you knew wasn’t your future husband and how did you handle that situation?
I want to know!

In Love,
Kavita

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  • http://joytomove.com Gitta Sivander

    I am separated from my husband since 18 months. My initial feeling after separation was to find my soul mate right away, since I have no time to loose, and I want family and a second child. My “post-marriage dating phase” started and I found that every time i opened up to being in a relationship with a man where I felt vibe and quite some resonance, there was so much there to learn for me! I did not alway know right away that he wasn’t “the one”, so I wanted to give it time to grow and explore. I am deeply grateful for that openness to the explorations, since it got me in touch deeper and deeper with WHAT IT IS I ACTUALLY WANT! I am many layers clearer now what it is I want from a man with whom I want to create my life with; and I am clearer also to who I want to be in that relationship!
    so for me, every relationship, and even just dating for some dinners, brought more clarity to me, more self esteem and more open sharing with that man what it is that I need and want. So to me, dating even though he is not “the one” is perfect, as long as I know when the time has come to move on and create space for my soul mate to come in!

    • Kavita

      This is GREAT Gitta! Thank you for sharing. xoxo

  • amber

    First of all, Kavita, let me say that you are a breath of fresh air compared to all pf the other “love” experts out there. You are straightforward and real and that is refreshing!
    I have a different “issue” regarding dating. I am not really sure that I want a steady relationship with a man because I recently moved and am so enjoying my time alone and activities with new friends. I often meet men who want to date me, but they get so serious right from the start and they think we have chemistry when in truth, I don’t feel anything for them except friendship! So I usually break it off after the first or second date. I have begun to “just say NO” more quickly now and not even date them. My real issue is that although these men tell me how beautiful I am, I don’t think I am. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who has aged so much in the past few years and I feel sad and disappointed in myself. Could this be why I am attracting men that I don’t even want to go on one date with or is it that I am just not wanting a serious relationship? Every now and then I see a man who is attractive and say to myself, “Oh, yeah! That’s what I’m talking about.” But then I think, “Well he would never be interested in me.” Your thoughts? Thanks so much Kavita!!

    • Kavita

      Thank you for your kind words Amber! There is definitely something deeper going on here for you. My gut is telling me that if you can build up your Love Support System (friends, family, parents) by letting them in on things that are going on in your life and really allowing yourself to get support – you will be more clear on the role you want a man to play in your life. Not letting IN the fact that you ARE beautiful and deserve to be taken care of can keep the right man from really connecting to you. You are SO not alone in this feeling! xoxo

  • Sharon

    I find it helpful to just remind myself that it’s just a chemical reaction. Dopamine withdrawal. Nothing to do with the guy, me or anything else. It’s just chemicals and they will rebalance themselves soon. It’s important to not focus on it. Delete him from Facebook, remove his phone number and texts. Done is done. Don’t hang on. Go out and have some fun with other people. If you know EFT or something similar, that can wipe out the negative emotion much quicker. THERE IS NO GOOD REASON TO HANG ON!