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How to date when you want kids

Let’s set the scene:

You go out on a first date with a guy you like. In the back of your mind there’s a voice saying, “Hey, you know you want kids, so make sure this guy does too. Otherwise what’s the point in getting to know each other?”

During the date you look for clues. He mentions a niece, so does that mean he likes children?

He talks about how great of a father his dad was – does that mean he wants to be a father?

You’re looking for clues because you don’t want to seem desperate or “baby crazy.” The last time you were straight forward and asked your date if he wanted to have kids – he never called you back.

The truth is, it really doesn’t matter WHEN you bring up wanting kids. What does matter is the energy with which you say it.

In this week’s episode of KavitaTV, my guest Nicole knows she isn’t in a rush to have kids – she wants a good relationship foundation first.

However, she’s struggling to know how to bring kids up without scaring men away. Every man she’s talked to about it in the past disappeared shortly after.  

What I’m sharing can help get you to a place of ease so men aren’t feeling your “baby crazy” energy… and you get clear if he’s right for you and your future family.

After you’re done watching, let me know in the comments if you’ve experienced your desire to have children has stopped you from getting to know a man you like.

In Love,
Kavita

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  • Marie

    Awesome topic ! I identify with the pressure I put on myself -to do it right. To have the right partner, right relationship -to avoid what happened to my parents (divorce, specifically to be with a man who leaves me alone with a child). To find a way out – to see how it was good for my parents´s journey to have divorced. I know that my father remarried, had children, divorced again, he is not happy with his job, his life, but also, he spends lots of time in having fun with friends -this is what he loves. So I guess it was good for him. He escaped the total pressure and controlling of my mother or my grandmother -which would no healthy man want to be in. On the other hand, my father is still an immature boy -but through the divorce he received the chance to live his life his way -he married a woman from a rich family, he had not to provide, to care much, he had the opportunity to spend time with his guy-friends. His wife cheated on him (as my father did in the marriage to my mother) -this made him to want the divorce, then he remarried again -again a woman who cares for him, who does the stuff, where he can be free or eventually control others. He never found a job compatible to his education, he works as a gardener instead of ingeneer.
    It was proabably his vision of “freedom and happiness” -not being controlled by others. Unfortunately I cannot ask him or anybody in the family (no contact, also my mother usually talks badly about him). I can only recall the time I had with him (when I chased him), the photos -the feeling around him ” just have fun and be free, be now, no responsibiities, like a happy, funny child” -if it is important for his soul journey to experience this feeling, then it was totally good for him to divorce.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Marie, Thank you so much for sharing. Is there a reason you can’t talk to your dad and get a clearer understanding of why he made these decisions?

      • Marie

        Yes. I guess my father does not want to talk to me. He pushes me away -always when I tried to reach out. I only was able to call, make an appointment), it sucked -he said he had no time, made some excuses and said he´ll be back later -and he never was. I kept chasing for his attention for 14 years, since I was 18. It always “something happened” and removed himself from his promise to see me. The most successful I was when I was 18 – I probably persuated his father, my grandfather (who knewly tried to connect with me) that I can spend time on a working holiday in the place my father was. My father took me there (first time I saw my father after my age of 5), but after 1 week, my father decided to “relocate” me from his place to another -where I worked another 2 weeks to have earn my own money, but I had no more chance to talk or experience the father. Another story – I wanted to introduce him my that-time boyfriend and asked to visite him at his home (I never was there, my father never reaveled his address to me -but it is easy to find on the internet). This time, my father “passively-aggresively” declined and said I shall drive some 20 miles and meet him at a pub (close to his home). I was, as usually, quite happy that I get at least some contact with my father and did it. There, he showed up with his 3rd wife (who I never met before, of course, I actually never met my 3 step brothers from my fathe´s 2nd marriage). I was suprised -this is not what I was asking for. After 40 min of meaningless conversation (talking about his dogs), they both said it was time to go. This is the last time I saw my father as I decided not to chase him anymore (it was 3 years ago). When I am silent, he is too. I always felt pushed away from him. I even wrote him an e-mail about my angry couple of years ago (after a meeting I arranged with him and he did not show up, neither prevented me) -no replay came back. Only he called one week after talking on the phone “like nothing happened”. I told him about this e-mail, he said something like “don´t take it that serious”.On my last meeting-attempt with him, I reminded him of it and he lied that he received not such an e-mail.with my questions to him. I have very little events-experience with my father, this makes me make them “the only big events” to guess what man my father is. True, I basically closed my heart to want to know whatever more about him, because I´d probably never get into. I only sense that he hated his mother (he definitely was abused by his father) who might have similar look as me. She might have probably be very empathic, kind, as me, but very “doormat” (as I used to be) -and I guess that my father cannot forgive her (the one he believed to) that she did not protected him against his father, and in fact, lived with him. His mother died when my father was 18.. I never met her or knew whatever information about her, I just guess from the few infos I heard (but true, never from my father). I am afraid that my father has been purposely pushing me away because he projects on me something about his own mother, and his father ( I might appear controlling to my father when chasing him to get known him ?). However, I have been hurt by this (I also was in abusive family from my mother´s side where my father basically let me stuck), so I decided stop chasing my father not to hurt me again by his rejection and false promises of “we should meet”. I feel I cannot be his therapist or mother or whoever to chase him, help him, fix him anylonger., althought I pay the price “not to know about my past, about my father”. I feel I am done with it, with him. Sorry for that long e-mail. Thank you a lot for your question, Kavita !

        • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

          Hi Marie,
          I am going to be starting another Soul Level Love session this winter and would love for you to be a part of it. Is it o.k. if I put you on the waiting list?

          • Marie

            Oh, thank you, Kavita. Yes, do this, please. I will prepare myself.

  • Kris

    All these men are seeing something this woman is not. She’s 42, and even at 40 years old a woman’s conception rate is 5% per cycle. Five percent! However, there are so many good divorced men with young children, and she could have that family she wants with children. Maybe they’re not hers biologically, but she could be a wonderful step-mom. Isn’t it selfish to say, I can’t care about any child unless it carries my genes?

    • Marie

      Nice question. It animates me to go deeper with it. Thank you. I guess I had numbed the deep desire in me for children. I used to want them, but after not-so-great experiences with men, I almost started to believe that “it is not for me”, I ´d be anyway an old, sick, bad mother (as my mother and my grandmother were). I am sure that if I had an easier time in childhood, I would have had children of my own today -because of my conscious desire. To numb this desire, when I cannot experience is, feels easier to me. I met women through my work who had children at the age after 40, at 45, even later. Often, they were very conscious, calm, loving. I don´t know any details “why it happened so late”. Also, I met women who were were so attached, and very anxious to the idea of “kids”, as if a woman without own children had no worth. Although they were under 30. They found a “partner to settle for” and used the reproductive medicine technics to “get the child”. I am still little triggered by this, but moreover into sadness about myself.
      I support Nicole a lot and anybody to go for their deepest desire. I´d also love to have my own children, but in a environment of a safe family (which I never had in my childhood and it influenced my ability to find the man-the best fit to me). I develop newly my “new approach”: I talk to my unborn child and tell her/him that if it is not being born, I am sorry for this, but I cannot settle just to “bring another child” to the world where I would not be happy in a family. I always wished for me it would not be my purpose to have own children. I would have loved my work and I´d feel fullfiled. and I´d be so happy, or adopt eventually children….and I forgot to acknowledge my own desire for children -that it truly matters to me (no matter of the “result”). 🙂

      • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

        Marie, I am so glad that this animates you to go deeper with your desires. Thank you for sharing.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Kris, she’s not saying that she can’t care about a child that isn’t her own and no it isn’t selfish. She just knows what works for her. I covered this topic because I see so many women give up on their desires because of their age. Just because she is 40 doesn’t mean she has to let that go.

  • Joanna

    Interesting….. I can’t help but say that ages might have a lot to do with this. In my early 30’s, I find men bringing up the idea of children, sometimes even before the first date. A lot of times, they usually have them already so I guess that helps have it at the forefront of their mind too. Unfortunately, my issue is that I don’t want children. Never have and at this age, nothing has changed in that aspect. And that still sends them running for the hills. Men are not as un-complicated as stereotypes makes it seem.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Joanna, Can you tell me why you don’t want children? And are you not interested in men that already have children?

  • Andrea

    this talk was very insightful. My 37th birthday is right around the corner and this subject really worries me. I definitely want kids and I believe I can still get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby in my late 30s. But I’m nervous about how men perceive me. I notice a lot of men in my age range do not want someone who is over 35. I also get anxious when I think about the time it takes to get to know someone, make the relationship official, and then ideally, I’d like to be married first. All of that takes time. Plus, the medical field has drilled it into our minds that if we’re over 35 we can just forget about it. It’s a lot of pressure. I don’t want to give up on my desire of becoming a mother, but it isn’t an easy thing to discuss with someone who you barely know. Bringing it back to her parents’ relationship and how their journey was good (even when it wasn’t great) makes so much sense. I’m just praying that I’ll meet a man who also wants kids, but isn’t deterred by my age.

    • http://kavitajpatel.com Kavita J Patel

      Hi Andrea, Thank you so much for sharing. You are still young and you will find that man that willl share the same desires as you to have kids. Congratulations on your progress. Have you had the chance to check out my Soul Level Love program? Enrollment begins in a few weeks and classes start in January. Check it out here. http://soullevellove.com/