I was hit up twice in one week with something pretty profound around how woman hold on to men that they know deep down inside love them, but aren’t committing.
Have you ever experienced this? Where you get this nagging feeling that you’re still in love with a past boyfriend or currently the one you are with just isn’t getting to a place of commitment?
“How do I get him to commit, or how do I be okay with letting go?” This is the question I was recently asked, and after being asked it, I was reminded of my own love story.
So contrary to what is popularly taught around tapping into your feminine (“being”) instead of the masculine (“doing”) to attract in and have the man pursue you, which in some instances I totally agree, I have to reveal that my love story definitely didn’t start out this way.
Now, I am taking you back to 2000 when Hemal (my husband) and I met. This was my junior year of college and one of my closest friends was dating one of Hemal’s best friends. My friend planted in my head that Hemal was available, and I wasn’t so sure about him at the beginning. We had been in business school together since freshman year and I had never really noticed him until my friend pointed him out that year. All of sudden, I saw him all over school. It was the weirdest thing. For example, you won’t notice a specific designer brand of clothing until someone tells you about it, then suddenly you see signs and billboards advertising that designer everywhere. This is what my experience was like in noticing Hemal.
At first, he wasn’t my “type” physically. I was into the soccer playing, Euroed-out kind of guy who is toned yet skinny and wore designer jeans everywhere. Hemal was the football playing, wear-a-similar-looking-fleece-everyday kind of guy. But there was something about him; there was this air of confidence he gave off, and for me to get riled up it requires that and of course chemistry. So, we met at a couple of parties and he was extremely clever and funny. I was hooked. The whole “type” thing was quickly thrown out the window. I will confess though that I still didn’t think he was cute, but I did think there was chemistry.
Every Thursday night our entire business school would go out to the Wonder Bar in Boston. Like clockwork, every week we would hang out, connect, and flirt. But after 2 or so months of this, he wasn’t making a move. I knew what I wanted and I was determined to “win” him over.
And by “win”, I meant WIN. I knew I was a catch and that he would be lucky to be with me. Yes, I know, pretty arrogant of me. But stay with me; I am getting to how this didn’t and did serve me!
One day I got it in my head that I was going to ask him out. Yup, a girl asking out a guy, OMG! My friends were all up in arms: “No, you should wait for him to come to you. Kavita can’t you play the game!” I replied that I hate games, and I am all about just doing what compels me. You can see how sure of myself I was!
Well, I asked for his number from my friend whose boyfriend lived with him. One evening I mustered up all of the courage I had to call him. In the movie We Bought A Zoo with Matt Damon he says that all that is required in life is just 20 seconds of courage, and if you can tap into that, life will take care of the rest. So, that was my 20 seconds of courage.
I dialed his number and one of his roommates picked up (this was before every single person on the planet had a cell phone!). I heard him yell for Hemal, telling him that it was Kavi on the phone. Hemal made his way to the phone. The golf ball in my throat almost made me hang up the phone, but I had already gone too far. I had already asked for him.
The phone shuffles and I hear a “Hi”. I apprehensively replied “Hi” back. He asked, “What’s up?” because apparently there was a long pause where I was trying to gather what the heck I was going to say! I finally got the words out, “I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight?” He said, “Oh I can’t, I am in the middle of playing my video game and I already ate.”
WHAT! F*&%!, Wait, why am I censoring myself in my own blog?? In my head I was like, “Fuck!” And then my determination to “win” him over took over, so I said, “Well, do you want to have dessert or tea?” He responded, “No I am really busy playing this video game.” I quickly said, “Ok, talk to you later.” I just wanted to get off the phone at this point. I was SUPER embarrassed and remember thinking, What is wrong with the guy? Is he gay?? Of course he wasn’t; this was just me trying to make myself feel better in the moment while I licked my wounded ego.
Without getting into every single attempt or advance I had made over 2 months towards him, I will get to the crux of why I am telling you this story. (But I do want to say that when I say “every advance”, I mean that I was even trying to get his attention in between classes if I saw him on the other side of the school. It was RARELY the other way around.)
I was having a lot of fun flirting, expressing myself, and just being me. And when I say “expressing myself”, I would literally talk about the stuff you should never talk about in the beginning like politics, religion and my viewpoints on life. Then, I distinctly remember slowly getting tired of trying and getting very little in return.
It was funny because my friends would even ask me, “Why do you like him? Is it because he is cute?” No! “Is it because he is a good kisser?” No! I honestly couldn’t explain in words what it was, I just knew there was that unexplainable element called chemistry.
I finally got to a place where I decided to call him and invite him one last time, and if he didn’t show up, I was done. I was serious and wasn’t just psyching myself out. I asked him, and he never came. I was so frustrated with him. At this point I felt that I was worth more than this, deserved someone that liked me back, and too bad for him for missing out on THIS [as I pointed to my entire body..haha]. I was done!
I had done everything I wanted and I didn’t hold back. True, I wasn’t giving him much space to step up either, but who knew that at the time? I just got frustrated with his lack of response, and I was done. Ship up or ship out, and he wasn’t shipping up, so I shipped out. That week we all went out to Wonder Bar and he was there. I ignored him. I had a good time with my gal pals and my guy friends. Even when he would try to come near me, which he did try, I would make my way to the other side of the room. I remember thinking Too little, too late Hemal.
That night, we ended up going to an after party, and suddenly I saw Hemal appear at my table. He asked, “Why have you been ignoring me all night?” I replied that I didn’t think he noticed or cared. He said, “Can we talk outside?” I indulged his request (although I didn’t think there was much to talk about), and he revealed how much he liked me. That was the birth of our relationship.
The moral of the story is that too many women are suppressing their feelings by abiding by what the guy wants and desires. They think that if they do this, then he may come around and pursue her instead, and she will really know if he is interested. I agree with this but would leave out suppressing your feelings. Express yourself ladies, because it is important for them to hear it and for you to say it.
While you are saying it (which does take some courage), don’t look for answers through him, just say what you need to honor YOURSELF. That is exactly what I was doing. I knew what I wanted and although “trying” in love doesn’t work the way it works in your career, you have to declare what you want.
Keep expressing until you get so frustrated with yourself or him, that you are able to let go. So, the place where I did trip up in all of this was that if I had given him more space, he probably would have come around faster.
Once I knew he wasn’t giving me what I deserved (and we all have this point that we reach), then you can really make a decision for yourself. He will either step up or you can step out. If you don’t get to that point, then you are just stuck in a suppressed waiting pattern.
So getting back to the question, “How do I get him to commit, or how do I be okay with letting go?” Here is my non-typical answer: I would say that expressing yourself in a relationship is extremely important and if you are doing it for you to have no regrets, then you are making the right moves. Too many of us woman are overanalyzing every single move and the reaction it gets. All your attention needs to be on is how much you are expressing yourself and how much you are holding back. If you use that as your compass, you will be led to true love!
If you are dilly dalling around not expressing yourself with the man you are dating and like, then express yourself. It has to be for you, and not you searching for a response from him. I promise you, even if he isn’t on board or doesn’t give you the response you expected, you will still look back and feel you did the right thing. I get it- rejection is never fun, but to play big and have big love in your life, it is par for the course.
As Madonna would say, “Express YOURSELF..Heyheheyhey.”
Have you ever walked away from someone? Did they come back or did you move on? I would love to hear your story in the COMMENTS section below!