Debating if a man you are dating is right for you?

This week has been amazing. I have settled into my new place and am loving it. Just to give you a sense of it…I have a washer and dryer in my apartment! For those of you who are not native New Yorkers, this is like you hit the lottery! J


So, this week I want to tell you about my client Julie. What I really want to make sure you see is that playing games, writing out your checklist of your ideal man, vision boarding, knowing your love language, even calling in the man you desire, cannot happen until you handle what is blocking you in love. None of those methods will work until you can feel love and know you are worthy of it, and understanding how you see love has everything to do with how you relate to your parents. I know in the back of your head you are thinking, “Hmmm you’re right; I have tried one (or many) of those and I am still sitting here single, so there must be more to the story.”

Earlier this week Julie told me that she was dating this guy, Mark. They had gone out a couple of times and she was still unsure of her connection with him. She explained that she usually knows right away if she likes someone or not because she either has a deep connection with them and knows that she want to see them more, or will realize that they are not right for her. She knows what she wants, which can be good and bad. Julie went on to say that she feels compelled to get to know Mark more but she isn’t falling for him as quickly as with other men in the past. This was foreign for her. She then said, “Well he is coming over tonight and I am just feeling a little blocked around whether I should keep it going or not.”

I asked her what the hesitation was and Julie replied, “Well the way I feel connected to someone is when I share a story or what is going on in my life that they ask me questions, feel interested, and probe more. I just don’t feel like he does that. I can do that for him, but sometimes he just doesn’t ask more, and so it makes me feel like he doesn’t care or isn’t interested.” Intuitively I knew this had nothing to do with Mark, because most things don’t actually have to do with the person that is in front of you, but rather how you are getting triggered because of that person. That trigger has been there because of what you have experienced in your past, specifically with your parents and family.

I asked her, “So when have you felt like this before, where you say something and you hate it when someone doesn’t ask you more or is interested?” Julie immediately explained, “Well it happens all the time with my older brother.  He is just not very emotional and most of the time I feel like he doesn’t even care about me or what is happening in my life. I would NEVER want to be with someone that is like my brother.” I totally understood! The reason she thought Mark wasn’t interested in her was because she was requiring him to ask specific questions in a specific way, so that she could feel crystal clear that he was into her. The reality is that he IS, but she was just so triggered because of her relationship with her older brother that she immediately jumped to conclusions if the guy she was dating even slightly resembled how her brother tunes her out (in her perspective).

I told her that I wanted her to seek out the ways that Mark is attentive, listening, and interested in what she has to say. I also explained to her that her brother absolutely loves her but doesn’t show it in the way she desires. We are going deeper with this one soon.

We had this conversation earlier in the week, and we talked again today. She told me that she had an amazing time with Mark and that the mindset shift really made a difference. She even said, “I don’t know how I even thought that he wasn’t interested!”

I am using Julie as an example, but the reality is that she can’t see what she wants right now until the bigger triggers (associated with her parents) that are around love and relationships are turned down. Then she can decide if this guy REALLY isn’t right for her.

Your Lovework for this week:

I want you to ask 3 friends these 2 questions:

How are you amazing in relationships (romantic or otherwise)?


What do they feel is blocking you in love?

I am asking you to do this because it will show you what your triggers might be. After you have identified one, ask yourself if you like or dislike that about your mom, dad, brother and/or sister? Awareness is super powerful.

You can even simply think back to your past relationships with a man or friends, and ask yourself what broke that friendship or partnership up. In particular what was triggered inside of you?

If you have pinpointed something for yourself, or just want to know if you are headed in the right direction, simply leave a comment below. I want to hear from you and help you identify whether a certain trigger is stopping you from finding love!

In Love,


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  • Hebeka

    – What blocks me is a feeling like it’ll never work, and that my issues and emotional expression of what’s true for me in difficult moments is so big I feel no man could handle it. So, when it’s too much I go quiet and can’t talk or feel natural/carefree. It can take a lot of humming and hawing for the guy to get it out of me. After I finally tell, I feel shame and worry that what bothers me is stupid, will bother him, or make him think of me as difficult.

    – I run from men I am so crazy about, even when I might be pursued, or know that his eye contact etc. means he’s interested. Even in making new friends, other people both men and women invite me, I don’t usually invite or kickstart anything. I acknowledge that I am really feminine in this way (it’s in my Vedic chart as well) and that isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is that I don’t use the inverse of pursuing & inviting: the feminine power of attraction and flirtation. Or I only do it from a distance… faaaintly.

    My P’s should never have gotten married; they married for loneliness & religion, realizing very soon after that they were strangers. They stayed tgether unhappily 20 years first because of religion, next because of my bro and I. My dad often refers to it as a waste of his youth. My mother was never really happy; she’s forever been in survival, money-making, church-going, rush rush mode. I’m 27 and my longest relationship was 7 months. My brother probably around the same. I know what it’s like to be single far more than what it’s like a relationship which I find are always rife with inner struggle.

    = I’m wondering if what I’m picking up from them is that it’s far better to be lonely than unhappy with someone. It’s often like the moment I see things as difficult, I give up, unless there is a soulmate connection and physical attraction which feels so wonderful. It has happened once in my life where I would bare through the hard parts and keep going with that person because I liked and loved him so much.

    = Regarding being vocal about my needs, my mother hardly could say what she wanted with my father. He was educated with 4 degree, and she wasn’t educated except much later when she got a few class for accounting. He’d overpower her I think, not just with self-righteousness, but he had language to speak up for himself. She didn’t. She stopped talking in most of their arguments. He’d talk for 10 minutes and wait. He’d let her know she can speak anytime she wants and waits for 10, 20, then 30 minutes. Nothing. She’d sit there still. He’d eventually get up and walk away; she was emotionally truncated.
    I guess I’m realizing this all just now, the connection between them and me. :'( Thanks Kavita.

  • Kavita


    Thank you so much for sharing your story! You are so open and honest, and yes you just connected some dots for yourself. What you resist in your mom and dad’s dynamic is persisting with you and men you are dating. You get the lack of expression from your mom, and I think you can see that now. This can be helped and it is all about seeing your parent’s relationship in a new light and your mom and dad.

    Awesome work in seeing things that you didn’t see before;)

  • Mary Grace Stevenson

    Most people never know if the guy is the right one until he is gone. 🙁

    • Kavita

      Mary, sometimes you can know if the guy is right for you when you are in the relationship. It is all about understanding your triggers in the relationship. And your are correct also.