My client (we’ll call her Sara) wants to be with this man. They’ve been dating on and off for a year. They have amazing sex so they are connected in that way. She could tell it wasn’t going on the path of exclusivity.
Sara felt like: “I don’t know if he wants exclusivity because he’s not making any movements towards it. The sex is great, but obviously there’s an emotional connection that’s missing.” She wanted him to say he was in love with her and wanted more, so she wouldn’t put herself out there first, and when he didn’t, she was “protecting” herself and broke up with him.
Meanwhile she didn’t have a conversation about how she really felt. She just said, “I don’t think we should talk anymore. I think this is over.” There was no dialogue exchanged. She never let him know that she was actually falling in love with him and wanted to be exclusive. It terrified her to say that, so it felt “easier” to just break up.
From that moment onwards, every day that went by, she would think of him in some way. She came to me in pain saying – “I want to get over him and not think about him anymore. I want to move on.”
So I made her go back and let him know how she felt and what she wanted. Because that was what was going to help her get over him and move on. Of course this isn’t what she expected me to say.
She wanted me to say to her: “Yeah the way you get over him is just to get over him. Keep moving forward! Dont think about him. Block him on Facebook.” (As you might know yourself, none of those things actually work.)
I said, “I get it. The way you’re going to do this is to let him in on how you feel. And this is how you are going to say it:
“The reason I broke up with you was because I could feel myself falling for you, and I was scared. I assumed you weren’t on the same page, so I cut it off rather than letting you know I wanted a relationship. And my question to you is – is that what you want it too?”
So she told him how she felt. And he came back and said, “I need to think about this. But I’m so happy you let you me know this.” And he made love to her, which was his way of connecting to what she had just revealed.
Because he didn’t immediately say he wanted her back in his life. She started to overanalyze. She came to me and said, “I don’t know if he wants a relationship, so I don’t know if I should see him any more.” And I said, “No, you are not going to cut him off. Protecting yourself is not getting you to clarity. The way he expressed himself was through making love to you. But you didn’t see it because he didn’t say the words you wanted to hear.”
The fastest path to clarity and to move on is to actually be open.
So now they are dating and starting to get to know each other on an emotional level. She’s going on a date with him tonight and I told her: “You need to go into that date open to knowing that he wants the same as you. And be the emotional leader in that scenario. So what you want from him you need to do first.
If you want to feel more connection, and he’s asking you a bunch of questions, and you aren’t feeling connected, ask him a bunch of questions.
If you want to know what he’s feeling about something, ask him that.
If you want to hear how he’s feeling about you, reveal how you feel.”
Your LoveWork is to tell me below in the comments, what question would you ask the guy you are interested in right now if you had no fear.