Not really dating but want love?

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving break if you live in the States! I had a fantastic time at home and with my family. On the last day I was there we went out to dinner as a family, and during dinner I got to witness some amazing Lovework that my Brother did with my Mom and Dad: he asked my parents if he was a good son.

I know! It brings tears to my eyes right now. I want to share the whole story with you because what was revealed for him will help you stop hiding in work and naturally get you attracting in high quality men.

My brother and I were talking about his love life and realized that even though he is yearning to meet his match and start his life with this person, he isn’t making room in his life for love.

He has taken some small steps that he makes out to be big ones like, “I am online, so I am trying” but then he isn’t following up the way someone would if it was important. And it isn’t because it isn’t important to him. It is because he is feeling a lot of pressure in his life overall.

What I mean by pressure is that he is feeling like he should be further along in his business (he took over my dads business not too long ago), make a certain kind of income, and have a body that he loves. All of this pressure isn’t helping him find love, it’s actually causing him either to do nothing or stress out that he isn’t further along.

The biggest pressure point that was stopping him from really focusing on love was that he was trying to prove to my mom and dad that he was a good son. How did I know that? I did some digging of course!

I asked him, “Who in your life right now do you feel like you are letting down?”

He revealed that he felt like he wasn’t meeting my dad’s expectations when it came to the business and that he wasn’t meeting my mom’s expectations for the life he was leading. It was clear he was interpreting that he wasn’t a good son.

When I told him that he needed to ask our parents this question he was like, “Well of course they are going to say YES!” I explained that even though he logically knows it, something is missing for him emotionally. It wasn’t allowing him to be in action towards having love in his life.

He said, “Okay, whatever you say.” And didn’t ask them until dinner that night.

I was honored to witness my Brother get vulnerable teary eyed and say to my mom, “Do you think I am a good son?” Immediately she said, “Of course. The one thing I know without a doubt is that my children are amazing.”

There was so much more she said to him too, and there was so much healing, compassion, love and forgiveness that happened in that moment.

After that, he asked my Dad the same thing. My dad told him how my mom did everything she could think of to have a son. She regulated my dad’s eating, her eating, she fasted (this is an Indian thing), and figure out what sexual positions were believed to create a son (he didn’t actually say that but alluded to it). Everything she could think of that would bring her a son, she did. I burst out in tears when my Dad said that because I was so grateful to my mom for doing all that and giving me a brother.

Essentially, this was my dad’s way of saying you are the BEST SON, and he followed it up by saying those words.

After dinner I asked my Brother if he understood why I wanted him to do this. He was like, “Absolutely! I feel like a burden lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter, and I feel so loved.”

I was so proud he had taken in all the love they were giving him. That is a choice, and he chose to let it in. I told him that the lightness that he was feeling was the release of all that pressure. And now that the pressure was released he would have room to be in action in his love life without forcing it.

Since then he has been in action in a major way. He is naturally seeing women reaching out online and otherwise. He is now feeling more confident in knowing he can have exactly what he wants in love.

I want you to know that I have had these same pressures and had to do the same kind of work to really allow my marriage to survive and keep the man that I love. I am sure this is relevant for so many of you, as well.

So, your Lovework is to reply to below with the answer to this question:

Who in your life right now do you feel like you are letting down?

Once you reveal who this is, see if you can boil it down to what you need to hear from your mom, dad, grandparent, sister, and or brother.

Then ask those people that question.

I would love to hear your answers to this question right now. This is a great way to start discovering what it is for you, especially if you find yourself not taking a lot of consistent action in your love life.

In Love,


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  • nicole

    This was amazingly timed. I’m in the same place as your brother. And yes, I feel like I’m letting my parents down.

    I was home over Thanksgiving, and I did ask them. And they said they were disappointed in some choices I made (getting divorced, moving away), they were not disappointed in ME. They loved me, were proud of how creative I was, and very much wanted things to be good in my life.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Nicole! It is amazing that you asked them this question – and you can see that they LOVE you and PROUD!! I hope you let that sink in.

  • Gigi

    Ultimately the person I feel i’m letting down the most right now is myself!

    • Kavita

      Thanks for sharing Gigi! Yes you’re feeling internal pressure – but that is coming from somewhere! Really try to figure out where you are feeling pressure from. What do you think your parents are expecting of you that you’re not fulfilling?

  • laurie

    what do you do if you’re letting yourself down?

  • agnes

    Hi Kavita,
    You asked to respond back in regards to the post above about who we feel we are letting down in our lives.
    I have a four year old daughter who i see yearly since i work abroad and my mum is raising her. And i feel i’ve let her down in that she doesn’t have the life that other kids have,both parents or at least a parent raising her.
    She is happy where she is but i feel i owe it to myself and her to be there for her physically everyday.

  • Leigh

    My parents are no longer alive. I don’t think that there were issues there. But, my sisters disapprove of me, and refuse to be in touch with me. I don’t actually feel like I have let them down, on the contrary, I have been there for them at times of trouble, and others. We live far apart, so being together is difficult. I would like to be in touch with them and find a way to open communication again, but I don’t want to take on blame for things that were out of my control.

  • Angela

    Reading that brought tears to my eyes. For me it didn’t fell like I am letting others down, but rather myself. Maybe in the past, my mother, but she has passed.

    • Kavita

      Thank you Angela! I hope this helped to open something up for you. Keep in mind that the pressure we feel or put on ourselves didn’t start from us. It had to come from somewhere external, and it is very possible you are still holding on to those pressures from your mom, even though she has passed.

  • Rebecca

    I feel like I have let my father down and am not making him proud of me. I want to hear from him that he loves and is proud of me no matter what I do, no matter if I become an actress or not and no matter if I decide to stay near home and not go back to the city.

    • Kavita

      Rebecca – try asking your father the question – am I a good daughter? I know it requires getting vulnerable but his answer will release something for you!

  • Julie

    I feel like I am letting myself down. I am 37 years old and have lots of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” floating around in this head of mine. I “should” know what kind of career fulfills me by now and know what makes me happy. I “should” be married by now and have kids. I “should” be able to figure out how to lose weight permanently and have the body I want by now. I “should” have my life more together than it is. I “should” feel more settled in my life than I do. I shouldn’t still be living in an apartment and renting. Etc. You get the idea! So…what do I do to turn this around? Thank you!

    • Kavita

      Hi Julie! Thank you for sharing and asking your question. You are not the only one who responded this way and your question will be helpful for everyone. The truth is that of course there is internal pressure, or the “shoulds”. But all of those beliefs had to have started somewhere outside of you, you wouldn’t just make them up! Really try to figure out where you are feeling pressure from. What do you think your parents or other people are expecting of you that you feel like you’re not fulfilling and then letting them down? If you dig deep and find that answer, you will be able to ask the question like my brother did and open something up for yourself to release all that pressure.

  • Andrea

    My parents love and support me 100%, but I feel like I’m a burden to them. I haven’t experienced real success in my career, I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t have any kids yet. I imagine they just want me to be happy, but it would be nice to know that they’re proud of the woman I’ve become.

    • Kavita

      Andrea – this is great. Ask them the question, “Am I good daughter?”. Get vulnerable with them and let them in on how you feel!

  • Nicole

    I agree with others that I feel like I am letting down my parents. I want to give them grandchildren someday. Now that all my friends are getting married and having families — I feel like the pressure is really on. It keeps me up at nights sometimes. I am such a control freak about my life, and I feel like finding a boyfriend/husband is the only thing that I cannot control.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Nicole. You are SO not alone in feeling this way. Try asking them the question “Am I a good daughter?” See what opens up for you.

  • Amy

    I feel as if I’m letting myself down mostly.

    • Kavita

      Thank you for sharing Amy. I’ve shared this with many of the women who have commented on this post, but those internal pressures had to come from somewhere. Really try to dig deep and ask yourself if any of those things started with your parents or someone external. Then ask them the question!

  • Brenda

    Very nice story! I feel I’m letting my daughter down. She has a wonderful marriage with 2 teens. I recently told her that she is leading the life I always wanted…a wonderful and supportive husband to turn to every day. I need someone to love me but not as my family loves me.

  • Carmen


    What if you go to your parents and say, “Am I a good daughter?” And they come back and say to you, “Your choice to work from home, and home school your kids, to choose to not follow the career you went to college for – disappoints us. We think you are ruining your life.” What if they can’t get past their current judgement of your decisions in your life to remind you that you are loved and that sometimes you need to do what makes you happy, even when that doesn’t look like the “traditions” of your parents?

    • Kavita

      Hi Carmen, Have you been open with them about what you are feeling? Have they said that they don’t love because of your choices, or are you interpreting their criticism as lack of love. Tell you parents how their criticism makes you feel and ask directly. Do you still love me?