This week I was hanging out in Miami with one of my closest friends, Nisha Moodley. We attended an amazing conference where I was surrounded by a room full of people that are changing the world.
I met a scientist who has gathered world leaders into a room to create a plan for world peace, several women who are guiding parents be better parents (because let’s be honest that is crucial to how the next generation takes over the world), and so many others.
I felt so blessed to be in the room amongst these change makers.
This weekend event was no exception to me hearing a question that I get all the time:
“How do I know when I have met the right person or if I have really fallen in love?”
And another Relationship Expert and friend of mine, Annie Lalla, said it best – YOU JUST KNOW! It is something that is undeniable.
I know all of your married friends have said that to you too, and it’s probably really frustrating because you haven’t had that feeling yet.
But that’s okay. Because it isn’t a feeling that you have with just anyone; it is a feeling you have when you have met someone that you can’t NOT be around.
And I’m not talking about in a lustful way. It feels like something just got shaken inside of your heart.
Now, you might be thinking, “Okay Kavita thanks, but how does this help me right now when I’m still stuck and single?”
I hear you. And I was talking to my client Mary this week who was feeling the same way.
She told me,
“Kavita, I’m on several online dating sites and for the past couple of weeks have had 3 dates every week.”
Now you would think my reaction to this would have been, “That’s AMAZING, how is it going?” but instead a red flag went off in my head.
The way she said it was like she wasn’t enjoying it, like it was hard work.
So I asked her how she was choosing who to go out with and who not to go out with.
She said, “Well if I get asked out I mostly say yes, because you never know until you are on the date if someone is right for you or not. It’s a numbers game right?
Shouldn’t I be open to all possibilities?”
I explained to her that it is absolutely NOT a numbers game.
Being open to love doesn’t mean you give every man a chance.
When you do that, it just makes it feel like hard work. It’s forced, sucks the fun out of dating and getting to know someone, and then you go out with all kinds of men end up thinking:
“Does the man that I want EVEN EXIST?”
So I said to Mary, “I want you to be WAY more discerning. Having your dating life feel forced or like hard work makes you jaded.
The truth is: BEING OPEN to love is your ability to LET LOVE IN, not in the number of men you meet. (tweet it).”
Being more discerning is EASY.
All I want you to ask yourself is: Am I STOKED, (aka REALLY EXCITED) to go out with this man?
It could be thinking something like:
He is really cute; I want to go out with him!
He likes the same books as me and I loved that about his online profile!
He emailed me and was so witty it made me laugh, I want to go out with him!
He approached me in such a confident way that I want to go out with him!
That kind of excitement (even if you go out with the hot guy and he ends up not being emotionally stimulating), will still feel good because you just spent time with someone you wanted to see, not someone you were just feeling “ehh” about.
I want you to start TRUSTING your knowingness by following your level of excitement to get an answer to whether you go out on a date with someone or not.
This is much more effective than saying to yourself, “Well I shouldn’t be judgmental – you never know”.
YOU DO KNOW, lady. Follow the excitement.
After I filled Mary in on all this, she was SO RELIEVED.
She was like, “OMG that makes dating so much easier! I had all these spells where I would go hard and date a bunch and then I would be exhausted and stop because it just felt pointless. I can see how this keeps it feeling good. By allowing myself to go out with mediocre men I was sending the Universe a sign that I was okay with that.”
I said, “EXACTLY!!”
Mary cancelled a couple of dates that week and scheduled a couple for next week that she was so excited about.
So, bringing it back to what I said in the beginning about JUST KNOWING you’ve met the right man – it takes time.
Instead of beating yourself up for not having the feeling yet, allow yourself to at least have FUN getting to know people that you are intrigued by as an indicator of whether this person is a yes or a no.
Try this when you’re making plans for your next couple of dates and see what happens.
And let me know!
Your Lovework this week is:
Tell me in the comments below are you dating a lot or not at all, and does it feel like hard work? How can you shift it to feel like more ease and fun for yourself?