I often get asked how I became a Love Coach.
My short answer is that I have been observing, analyzing and curious about love and communication between people my whole life.
It started by observing my Mom and Dad.
They would often argue when I was younger, and while most children would probably lock themselves into their room and not come out until the coast was clear, I got involved.
Intuitively, I would say to my Mom, “This is what Dad means,” and “Dad this is what Mom means.” I would literally help them through the argument, or at least I thought I was helping them make progress.
My parents still fight and are still married today.
Their love is pretty profound.
But I couldn’t see this for most of my life because it just felt like neither of them understood each other.
Now I can see how they are just playing out what was lacking for each of them in their childhoods and how they are just using the relationship as a way to work out all of their own parent stuff.
It is quite freeing for me to see them this way because it gives me perspective in how we are ALL doing this.
We are all blocking intimacy with men and the people in our lives because of agreements we made with ourselves a long time ago.
Last week, I was in Puerto Vallarta at a gathering of entrepreneurs called Awesomeness Fest.
On Friday night, we went to this beautiful Mexican Hacienda in the mountains. It was gorgeous.
Under the moonlight, 2 of my closest friends and I got into a really deep conversation about how we stop ourselves from being intimate with the people closest to us.
I expressed that I often believe that my ability to be intuitive and emotionally supportive is so present with my friends and family, that others just can’t do the same for me.
I just don’t let them in on certain things, thinking that they can’t take care of me like I take care of them.
Well, first of all that is pretty presumptuous and secondly it is also kind of arrogant of me!
Yet it FEELS so true.
And then I figured out why I feel this way.
If you were to ask my parents about me when I was younger, I just naturally gave people twice my age advice. I was 8 giving 12 year olds advice.
As I got older, I related to my mom in the same way.
I felt like I knew more than her.
I had made an agreement with myself that she needed me more than I needed her. And that I could help her in life and could see things about her that she could never see about me.
This way of relating to my mom affects me to this day and in ALL of my relationships. It stops me from letting people into my inner most concerns and feelings.
It blocks me from really getting supported by Hemal and by close friends.
I decide who can actually give the “right” kind of advice that will help me and when they can give it, instead of being open to being surprised.
So I decided it’s time to deal with my intimacy issues.
And the FIRST step is to see that my Mom is totally capable in LIFE.
She has been through so much in her lifetime and she has so much wisdom. I am open, willing, and excited to learn from her.
What I want you to get is that we all have blocks to being intimate with others.
There are many in fact.
It could be something you decided with your mom, dad, step parent or through a childhood experience.
The way this affects us with our friends and current relationships is also affecting us with men.
When we block intimacy we are also blocking our ability to know what kind of MAN is really RIGHT for us. Our MATCH.
When we hold back who we really are it is hard to know if a man is capable of understanding us and loving us through it.
When we allow ourselves to identify what is at the root of why we have stopped letting others love us or support us or at least communicate it with them, then we can start connecting with men and attracting them in from this deeper special place.
Your Lovework this week is to tell me below on the blog what are some of the different ways you can identify that you block intimacy.
For example, the two friends who I had this conversation with said that they:
- Used humor and sarcasm as a way to avoid going deeper or revealing something about themselves.
- Would go into fantasyland, and would “check out” when certain relationships would feel heavy or hard.
So what’s yours? I’d love to hear it!