Last week’s post stirred something up. I received comments about how I was being controlling with Hemal and how getting upset over a trivial thing like fish was absurd.
I also received lovely comments like, “That post really inspired me, thank you for getting so vulnerable with us about your personal life and story.”
Here’s the thing I want you to assess.
Can you start to see patterns in how you translated that last post and how you use those same filters in your love life to stop yourself from understanding a man or letting someone love you?
Here are some questions to stir even more things up:
Were you letting your own experiences in your life dictate how you saw my story (because there was a lot that I choose not to put into the full post – otherwise it would be a novel)?
Did you witness your mom being controlling with your dad and that was something you never wanted to be, and so you pick up on anything that feels remotely close to that?
Did you get stuck judging me, and that stopped you from reflecting on your own life?
Did you take in my story and learn something about your life through it?
I’m not saying there is one right way to take in my story.
What I want you to see is that we’re using past experiences to determine how we relate to others in the present, and our judgement is clouded.
We often make me out to be something they’re not (like non-emotional or players) because of experiences we’ve had in the past.
So we can protect ourselves.
And this is creating a break in intimacy.
This is creating a break in us truly connecting with someone.
This is creating a break in being open hearted.
My intention in writing to you last week wasn’t for you to hone in on my values on being vegetarian.
[What I will say about that is those are my values and what’s important to me. I respect everyone’s choices around how they eat. That’s the truth. I’m first and foremost compassionate towards humans.]
I was just expressing what was important to me and wanted you to take my story and relate it back to something that was important to you within a relationship that either your boyfriend, ex, parent, or friend didn’t understand.
What do I mean?
For example, maybe your family is really important to you and you’ve had a relationship where he wasn’t close to his family. So his response to spending lots of time with family wasn’t valued.
Maybe you grew up being someone that works hard, and your ex was more easy going – and his lack of follow through in certain ways really affected you.
Were you able to communicate your feelings with them in a way that helped you feel heard?
There are no perfect relationships.
I have women saying to me all the time, “Kavita why is so hard for me why do I have to do all of this work to meet the right man? Other women don’t have to do everything I have and they have found “the one” and are married now.”
In fact I had a client ask me that this week.
I simply said there are no perfect relationships.
Understand you are not committed to an average life or average love.
You are committed to having extraordinary love. That’s why you’re here.
If you wanted to just get married and have kids there are plenty of men you can do that with. They may not be “the one” but you can check the boxes if you want.
I want you to declare and really get that you’re committed to having Soul Level Love, not just any love.
Do you know how many people settle to check the box of being married, check the box of having kids, but it isn’t coming from the innermost part of themselves?
I have often been behind the scenes of relationships that seemingly are perfect. In fact some of them are public relationships where people say, “Their relationship is so great”
However, I know how it isn’t perfect. That they, like all of us, can feel alone, misunderstood, and struggle to feel fulfilled.
You can feel just as lonely in a relationship as you can being single.
There are always situations that need to be worked through.
It’s so important to stop positioning yourself as if there’s something wrong with you because you aren’t in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you. That is coming from the deepest place inside of me because I know it’s true.
I’m on a mission for you to see that being in a committed relationship is just as difficult as being single, and vice versa. There is no one side that is better.
I share personal stories from my life for you to see that I have hard days in my relationship. I have to work through them just like you.
I have changed the way I view relationships. They are a way for me to understand more of myself. Evolve myself.
Relationships of any kind are the access point to our own spiritual growth.
For Hemal and I, this disagreement was a chance for us to open our communication even further and get even more vulnerable with each other.
When you have a relationship where you move through the hard days from the perspective that you will both grow from them – your relationship gets stronger.
When you use relationships as a path towards understanding yourself, coming back to you and emotionally maturing – feeling alone starts to be a comfier place instead of a feeling you desperately need to get out of.
I wanted create a more intimate dialogue between us this week. Piggy backing off of the theme of intimacy from last week.
Your Lovework for this week is to tell me below in the comments if you’ve been saying to yourself, “Why do I have to do all of this work to meet someone?” Also, tell me what you declaring to see this differently for yourself.