Have you ever pushed away a guy you really liked? What if I told you that you didn’t do anything wrong. Would you believe me?
My Client Mamta didn’t.
Mamta was dating this guy long distance for about 6 months, we’ll call him Samir.
Their relationship was progressing – Samir said he liked her, and she definitely liked him.
When they were in person things were SO good. They connected, conversation was easy, and it just felt really natural.
But when they weren’t together, their communication slowly became more and more spread out.
Mamta could feel him pulling away, so she leaned in and would try even harder to keep in communication with him.
Sometimes it would result in an argument over why he wasn’t doing or saying certain things.
Then one day Samir approached her and asked for space. He said he felt like they were just “too different” and needed some time.
Mamta reluctantly gave him his space even though she was devastated.
After some time, Samir told Mamta that he wanted to break up. He said, “I felt more freedom when we were apart than when we were together, so I don’t think it’s going to work out.”
Fast forward a bit – It’s been about 2 months since their break up and Mamta has been working on healing her heart.
She came to me the other day and said, “I think I want to reach out to him, but maybe I should wait until I’m in a better place.”
I told her she can totally reach out to him, we just need to get clear on her intention.
She said, “My intention is to see if we can start to communicate again. I think he thinks he couldn’t make me happy because of how insecure I was. I want him to know how happy he really made me.”
I said, “Okay, before you reach out to him. It’s important for you to GET that he didn’t leave because you were insecure and pushed him too hard.”
You have been telling yourself this story, but…
This is what actually happened:
He liked you. You liked him. You were ready for commitment. He wasn’t.
Because he wasn’t ready for commitment and he knew you were, he pulled away.
You feeling insecure and asking him to call or see you, was only because you could feel that you both weren’t on the same page, but you wanted him to be.
You’re not an insecure person. It’s only natural that insecurity will come out when you are further along in a relationship than the other person.
Mamta resisted what I was saying.
She said, “But he told me that he felt more free when we weren’t together, and he said that we are different in the way we handle things.”
I said, “Do you know what he meant by you are both different? Do you know why he felt more free when you both weren’t together?”
Mamta started to answer me then quickly realized that everything was her translation.
She had never actually asked Samir why he felt they were different, or why he felt more free without her.
She didn’t know how he would answer that.
I then said, “Do you see how you aren’t an insecure person, but that you made it your fault when it didn’t work out?”
She said, “Yes”
I said, “Great. Now you can write him and get clarity on what he meant by those things when he broke up with you. This will help you start communicating again, and see where that leads.”
She cringed and said, “Maybe I should just wait. He should reach out to me shouldn’t he? Then I will know that he really wants to be with me.”
I said, “Mamta – I get that you are terrified of getting hurt, so your brain will tell you that you should wait and not reach out.
But your heart wants to know how he’s doing. You would like some clarity on what REALLY went wrong.”
It’s so important in these situations to follow your HEART – not your HEAD.
She said, “But what if I send him the email and he’s still in the same place? I can’t bear feeling that kind of pain again.”
I said, “You won’t know unless you try. He could be ready to reengage but doesn’t know how to, or he could be in the same place. We have NO idea.
Choosing to protect yourself instead of getting clarity keeps you from being able to re-engage or have TRUE healing and freedom for yourself.
For Matma, it was about simply saying:
“Hey, when we broke up I didn’t quite understand what you meant by ‘We are too different.’ Just for my sake, can you clarify what you meant by that?”
She can also add:
“I assumed you may have felt like I was unhappy in the relationship, and I want you to know that wasn’t the case. But just to make sure, do you know that you made me happy?”
Matma said to me, “When you and Hemal got back together, didn’t he approach you?”
During my breakup with Hemal, communication wasn’t just on him. When I needed clarity on something I asked. Sometimes the answers were HARD. And it helped every time.
As you are reading Mamta’s story, take a look at your tendencies to protect yourself.
Are the actions you take (or don’t take) because you’re scared of being hurt again?
Or are you open to the idea that you can have what you DEEPLY DESIRE IN LOVE?
Have compassion for yourself.
If you’re blaming yourself for a relationship that didn’t work out, know that it didn’t work because it didn’t work.
When a relationship is meant to be there is NOTHING you can do to screw it up.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I screwed up a LOT and I’m still here with the love of my life.
Your Lovework this week is to tell me below in the comments what you got out of Mamta’s story.
How do you protect yourself versus taking a risk to see what might be possible?
There is SO MUCH that is possible – waiting on the other side of your fears.