My friend called me the other day because she was feeling a ton of anxiety around a guy she met while she was out in LA (she lives in NYC).
For some quick background, they met on her trip through mutual friends and went out twice. She said she felt like herself and the communication was easy and natural.
She was really impressed by him because he said things that showed he was really paying attention – remembering things she liked and things she had told him about her family.
But once she got back to NYC, she noticed he wasn’t texting as much.
She was trying to play it cool…but inside she was really disappointed.
And then, he texted her and asked if they could hop on the phone over the weekend to catch up.
She said yes (after waiting a few hours to respond), but inside was terrified that he’d flake and not call.
Sunday rolls around…and no phone call.
That’s when she called me.
She asked, “What do I do now?”
I said, “Just text him and say, ‘How about that phone chat? Up for it later today?”
But she was terrified to send it. “I got vulnerable already and told him I would be willing to chat this weekend. Why do I need to do that again? This feels terrible and I can’t stop thinking about what I did wrong.”
I told her:
Dating and finding out if someone is right for you is ALL about vulnerability. The less you get vulnerable, the less clarity you have on whether a man is worth your time and energy.
She said, “I know you’re right, but I feel like I’m exposing myself to be hurt. I don’t think I can’t do that.”
And I gently responded, “You can. It is in your highest good, I promise.”
So she did, and it took him several hours to write back.
What occurred for my friend during those hours was a TON of anxiety and some panic in the space between her texting and him answering. She kept checking her phone, her heart was racing, and she couldn’t focus on anything else she was trying to do.
It felt like a total waste of energy.
And I know for a fact she isn’t the only woman who experiences this.
When someone we like starts pulling away (whether real or perceived), it can send us into a panic.
What’s triggering us (and causing anxiety) in that moment are 3 things:
- 1. LACK of certainty
- 2. Venturing into the unknown
- 3. Fear of experiencing hurt or pain
So what do we do in these crazy moments that can easily hijack a day, a week, and lots of moments by filling us with SO much anxiety?
Here are 3 steps you can take:
- Gratitude. To life (the Universe or source <insert what you believe here>). For everything you DO have right now.
This is about feeling a connectedness in the world. (A trick I love to feel this is to sprawl out onto the floor and feel the earth holding you.
Literally laying flat on the ground and feeling how the ground HAS us).
- Getting a “Hit” of Love. Conjuring up a memory with a loved one (family or friend) where you can feel (viscerally) how loved you are and how much he/she cares for you. Do this as many times as you need.
- Love Yourself MORE. When we don’t get a response from a guy that we wanted or expected, the blizzard of thoughts come pouring down. “Does this mean I’m not pretty enough? He’s probably not attracted to me. I probably said the wrong thing. He thinks I’m crazy.”
Truth is what HE thinks doesn’t matter.
When you feel the anxiety take out a pad of paper, and WRITE out everything you LOVE about yourself. When you can tap into knowing you are just as important as him (not smaller), something shifts.
The exercise above is a great way to calm those anxious moments that can show up when we’re playing the “dating game” and it really helps us connect in with what matters!
And… I challenge you to take it to the next level…
What would it be like if you could prevent feeling this kind of panic and anxiety in the first place?
What if you found a brand new way to approach your love life with confidence and a deeply rooted sense of inner trust?
This means no more freaking out over him not calling, no more over analyzing what you might have said, no more protecting yourself from getting hurt, no more lonely nights…and no more lost opportunities.
I can tell you from personal experience that when you make the transition from feelings of lack and not being good enough to attracting the right man for you – there’s no better feeling!
I remember when Hemal and I weren’t doing so well before we were married, he called me and said he was feeling down or “off” that day.
I panicked and left work (I told my boss I felt sick) and went to make sure he was okay – so I could be okay.
Deep down, I was afraid he was going to pull away and potentially leave me. Now, I feel totally secure in my relationship and it has nothing to do with being married.
It’s the level of connection we’ve created, and that was all about me getting vulnerable A LOT.
If you’re looking to get to the heart of the matter and find a new approach to love, then you don’t want to miss my upcoming Free Training Call happening on December 8th, 2015 at 8pm EST.
How to Get HIM to Choose You: Uncover the Real Reasons Why You Haven’t Found Love Yet…
PLUS, there will be a live Q&A with me where I laser coach you through your specific dating challenges.
Grab your spot here. I can’t wait to talk to you.