Just the other day I went out with my niece. She is single and looking for love, and she said something I hear so many women say: “It’s really hard for me to tell a guy that I’m NOT interested, or that I don’t see a future, because I don’t want him to feel bad or hurt him.”
And whenever someone says this, I smile inside, because I love how loving they are trying to be. That part of the intention is beautiful. But what’s mixed in with that intention, and it’s sneaky, is the idea that we have that much power over people.
And what I mean here is that you can’t actually hurt anyone. And no one can actually hurt you.
Feeling hurt is a choice we make based off of what we made something mean or how we translated a situation.
Unless someone punches you somewhere on your body with the intent of inflicting pain and suffering, then the bodily response of that is going to translate as pain. But even then the emotional response is up to us.
So, in the situation where someone likes you, and you aren’t that into him, when you think I” don’t want to hurt him,” what you are really saying is “I feel uncomfortable with telling him my truth because I don’t know how he will react and it’s difficult to sit in the emotions that will come up.”
This discomfort is merely with the unknown. The unknown emotions and reactions.
And yes, a lot of this comes from the way we were raised. For example, if you witnessed your Dad get upset when you asked him for what you wanted, or your Mom was often depressed and would let her emotions out all over everyone else and you decided not to be like her.
You took those moments and translated them as hurt and they were implanted in your subconscious. And today all that is happening is you’re protecting yourself.
But all this is doing, in reality, is keeping you in a state of not being honest with yourself or that other person.
When you know a guy isn’t interested in you, wouldn’t it feel better for you to be told as soon as he knows, instead of him trying to make it work because he’s afraid of hurting you?
So, to bring it all into alignment, it’s time to face the unknown. It’s time to get that we can’t hurt anyone, and they can’t hurt us. It’s simply a choice.
So, let’s express, and trust that we will work through the emotions that come up with another person. And if that person does feel hurt and lashes out on you, it’s simply because they choose to take what you said to mean a whole lot of things that probably aren’t true, but stem from their past. Also, trust that if they want to stay in your life they will re-engage and work it out with you.
Would love to hear how all of this landed with you? Tell me in the comments below!